What's next for Apple?

This just in off the fake news wire…

Apple to hold no special events next week

CUPERTINO, CALIF. (Imaginary News Service)—After holding two press events in as many weeks to introduce the video iPod, refurbished iMac, dual-core Power Mac, and Aperture image-editing software, Apple announced it was not scheduling a special event next week to unveil new products.

An invitation sent out to the press by Apple displays the words, “We Got Nothin’” on top of a picture of a shrugging Steve Jobs. The pockets on Jobs’ trademark blue jeans are turned inside out, apparently signifying that hardware updates or new OS X applications are not on tap for next week.

Reporters are expected to gather at Apple’s Cupertino headquarters out of habit next Wednesday at 10 a.m., where they will be completely ignored by Apple employees going about their regular business. Once the non-press event concludes, the few reporters who remain will be escorted away from the building by Apple security guards.

Mac rumor sites are already abuzz with reporters on what products Apple won’t be announcing next week. “Since no product announcement is scheduled, the possibilites are endless,” said one rumor-monger, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “It could be a Pentium-powered desktop or a tablet or a cell phone or even a low-calorie dessert that doesn’t let you down in the flavor department.”

Reacting to the first Apple event-free week since late September, Wall Street analysts immediately downgraded the company’s stock from “Buy” to “Sell, Sell, For the Love of God, Sell.” “While it’s all well and good to roll out innovative, headline grabbing products two consecutive weeks, Apple’s inability to do so for a third week in a row clearly indicates that the company is doomed and will probably shutter its doors before the end of the quarter,” one analyst said. “To repeat this message, press 1 now.”

Meanwhile, some in the press complained about the ongoing attention being paid to Apple. “Microsoft has plenty of weeks where it doesn’t announce anything, and nobody makes a big deal about that,” said PC Magazine columnist John Dvorak. “This clearly shows a pro-Apple bias among technology writers at leading publications. I could list them by name, but I’d just as soon not call out David Pogue, Walter Mossberg, and Steven Levy.

“Bias is a terrible thing,” Dvorak added sadly. “Especially when it’s bias about an obviously inferior company like Apple.”

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