The Macalope Weekly: No visible means of support

Step right up! Git yer loosely-supported assertions of facts not in evidence right here! Yes, a number of people who are not lawyers believe Apple may be in violation of U.S. antitrust laws! Meanwhile, one out of one silly pundits agree: Google’s imaginary tablet is an iPad killer! Last but not least, the Winotaur realizes that the first step in any 12-step program is recognizing you have a problem.

Fetishism

It used to be that the realm of bad Apple porn fantasies was centered on the buyout. Apple was going to be bought by Sun, Microsoft, IBM, or any number of mature companies that would rescue it from the depths. How? By licensing the Mac OS, or having it develop “Net PCs”, or turning it into a Windows VAR, or something else that would really just have killed it.

But times have changed! Today’s Apple porn has the company getting getting sued for supposed antitrust violations.

Ooh, that’s gooooood. Yeah. Just like that.

The Macalope’s no lawyer, so he’ll spare you any dime-store analysis of whether or not Apple’s stance that apps may not be developed with cross-platform compilers could be considered in violation of U.S. antitrust regulations. But if this is the kind of thing that gets you excited, feel free to close the door and have some alone time with your fantasies.

Just don’t be disappointed if the Department of Justice isn’t as turned on by the thought of it as you are.

Read more…

If wishes were horses Google would ride

PC World’s Tony Bradley believes that Google is in a unique position to deliver an “iPad killer”. Why? Because—that’s why!

To prove his point, Tony quotes himself:

“Google isn’t Apple, but next to Apple, Google is arguably the most-qualified to launch a tablet device capable of being a game changer. One thing that Apple and Google have in common is that they tend to think outside of the mainstream and are capable of creating paradigm-shifting innovation.”

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzBAH! Ah! Oh! Whoa! We’re back from that blockquote! Uh, sorry, Tony! The, uh, the Macalope dozed off for a minute there somewhere between “game changer” and “paradigm.” Buzzwords make him sleepy.

What were you saying?

It only makes sense that Google would take its “iPhone killer” Nexus One initiative to the next level and deliver an Android-based “iPad killer” as well.

Wait, are these titles being granted ironically or just titularly without the benefit of any real power—like some kind of faux government in exile? Because the horny one hates to break it to Bradley, but the Nexus One has rather failed to kill the iPhone by any practical measure, having sold probably only about 160,000 units in the first quarter.

Bradley sure fills his piece with a lot of unsupported statements, though.

Google is in a unique position to learn from its own experience gained from the launch of the Nexus One, and also to learn from Apple’s launch of the iPad.

Why? Tony never says.

Combining those lessons learned could yield a slick and formidable tablet to compete with the iPad.

How? Tony never says.

If Google includes support for Adobe Flash, a camera or two, and maybe a USB port or SD memory card slot…

A compass in the stock! Dual bucket seats! A three-car detached garage! An outdoor gas grill with a rotisserie and deep fryer! Huge 1980’s-style hair! Everything a boy looks for in a girl!

…it can create a device that has all of the benefits of the iPad while also delivering everything the iPad isn’t.

Right. Because if you just jam a USB port onto a Android-based tablet it’s gotta be good, right?! (Tip o’ the antlers to Daring Fireball.)

As in “notify the next of” when it dies?

Microsoft announced yet another line of cell phones this week: the Kin. Which is a perfect name for a phone designed for young people who are into social networking, because if there’s anything today’s young people love, it’s talkin’ like a hillbilly. To get the 411 on the Kin, the Macalope dialed his old friend, the Winotaur.

MACALOPE: Hey, dude. What’s up with this Kin?

WINOTAUR: I don’t know! Oh, God, I… I think I may have a problem!

MACALOPE: Whoa, whoa. What’s up, big guy?

WINOTAUR: I just keep creating platform after platform! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! “The Kin”? This thing has all the staying power of the macarena!

MACALOPE: Er…

WINOTAUR: It’s just another technology I’m going to ditch in a year! I think… I think I’m addicted to launching platforms!

MACALOPE: Dude…

WINOTAUR: I launched three more platforms this morning! Two of which I EOL-ed before lunch! My life is out of control!

MACALOPE: Winny…

WINOTAUR: I NEED HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME! AAAAAAGH!

Well, it just got uglier after that. The tears, the painful recognition of unfulfilled emotional needs from childhood, the bitter recriminations against a loveless and autocratic father… Anyway, rest assured that the Macalope talked him down off the ledge and gave him the number of a good halfway house. He’ll get the help he needs.

And then he’ll be out there creating ridiculous new platforms again in a week.

Fish gotta swim, after all.

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