The Macalope Daily: Faster, pussycat! Fail! Fail!

Another day, another cherished pundit saw breaks on the hard wood of reality. Yes, despite the dire warnings of many a silly pundit, customers simply don’t care about 4G.

A recent study of phone buyers indicated a whopping 4 percent cited speed as the most important factor in picking a smartphone. For those of you who aren’t statisticians, that’s a very low number. This is probably fairly astute on the part of the other 96 percent, as many of the claims about 4G’s speed are overblown. In fact, the whole terminology is so mucked up that a congresswoman whose name sounds like a sneeze has proposed a bill that would require carriers to publish details about their minimum 4G speeds. You can bet they love that idea.

But, return, if you will, to those heady days of February when pundits were pumping up the Motorola Xoom as an iPad competitor, because, while it didn’t ship with 4G, it was going to get a 4G upgrade for free. Unless, of course, time is money to you—in which case the week-long upgrade process is, well, not so free.

But whatever happened to that? Looking back, the Macalope sees we were told the Xoom 4G upgrade would be coming in “the second quarter” to deliver its iPad ass-kicking. Are Xoom users putting their iPad-using peers to shame, streaming video as they drive down the highway and careen carelessly off the guardrails?

Well, the horny one doesn’t know if you’ve looked at the calendar lately, but that gives them seven days to do the upgrade we were told would take about about ten days.

No, turns out the date’s actually—surprise!—been pushed back. What’s the current date for the iPad-killing Xoom upgrade of doom? After some premature email sendation, it appears it’s been pushed back to “summer.”

Well, OK. Tuesday was the first day of summer, so this could theoretically happen anytime (can you feel the excitement?). Usually, though, when a vendor says “summer” they mean “Late summer. Like really late. Like the last day of summer. Make that the last day of Indian summer. … Uh… say, how’s fall? Fall actually works better for us.”

Spring, summer, whatever—it’s all good when you’re livin’ the Droid Life.

Well that’s a bummer for everyone hoping for 4G on their XOOMs sooner than later. But not to worry, “near future” is always promising when it comes to these things.

HAHAHAHAHA.

That. Is. Adorable.

Likewise the Macalope enjoyed the exchange at the end of this Motorola forum thread where a poster says the Motorola moderator is wrong, the upgrade is happening right now!

The poster says, well, if the upgrade’s not happening, then why did a FedEx box from Motorola just arrive at my doorstep, huh?! To which the moderator replies, uh, because you requested a repair?

Hang on to that dream, Xoom users! Don’t let the man keep you down! Even if he works for Motorola.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

Shop Tech Products at Amazon