The Macalope Daily: You sunk my battleship!

It’s fitting that this week saw the release of the trailer for the incredibly stupid looking movie based on the popular board game Battleship, because Google’s been playing—and losing—an incredibly stupid virtual game of Battleship with Microsoft over patents.

If they were to make a movie of this game of Battleship, Google Chief Legal Officer David Drummond would play the part of the most petulant teenager since Hayden Christensen in Revenge of the Sith:

But Android’s success has yielded something else: a hostile, organized campaign against Android by Microsoft, Oracle, Apple and other companies, waged through bogus patents.

Shorter Google: “Myeh myeh mee moo nooni nanni myeh myeh.”

What, did Google take lessons in being a tremendous crybaby from Adobe? This is so paper-thin it’s weapons-grade laughable. As John Gruber and pretty much the rest of the world have pointed out, these “bogus patents” are patents Google bid for. Apparently they’re fine at $4 billion but reach critical bogosity at $5 billion.

The top dog in smartphone market share is rather thin-skinned, isn’t it? Hasn’t it heard it’s “winning”?

Yes, the patent system in this country sucks. But, like it or not, this is how the game is played right now. If you don’t have the intestinal fortitude to go the distance, don’t cry about it. This is business. Play the game or get out.

The Macalope’s now slightly concerned that his parody of Google two weeks ago as an over-dramatic soccer player working the refs was too mild.

TRIPPING! REF! DID YOU SEE THAT? HE TOTALLY JUST TRIPPED ME! REF! REF! REF? OH, COME ON!

But to clumsily paraphrase one Han Solo, Google’s whiny post is just where the fun, she is beginning.

Because, the Macalope’s not sure if Google realized this, but Microsoft’s executives can actually read. And, as it turns out, they can remember actual events slightly better than those at the Lidless Eye.

Grab some popcorn. This gets good.

“Google says we bought Novell patents to keep them from Google. Really? We asked them to bid jointly with us. They said no,” Brad Smith, Microsoft General Counsel tweeted out in response.

Oh, and hey! Microsoft’s Frank Shaw was kind enough to provide a screen capture of the email in which Google says “no thanks” to a delicious patent sundae. That’s so nice of him. He didn’t have to go to all that trouble. Although, the Macalope is sure he enjoyed every second of it.

Isn’t it beautiful when, after so many years of animosity, Apple fans can heartily applaud Microsoft as it makes an ass out of Google? Brings a tear to the Macalope’s screen.

After losing his aircraft carrier, battleship, destroyer and submarine, Drummond fired back… wide. Right before Shaw returned fire, hitting his patrol boat.

Stay tuned. There should be a board flip coming up here soon.

(Programming note: Hey, Insiders! The Macalope will be on vacation until next Thursday. See you then!)

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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