The Macalope Daily: From zero to classless in 3.5 seconds

The Macalope was somewhat concerned that he was being too cynical yesterday in expecting people to write stupid things about Jobs stepping down. Silly Macalope! You of all people should know that pundits will never fail to validate your cyncism.

Enter TechEye.net’s Nick Farrell, who wants everyone to know how terrible it is that Steve Jobs did cancer wrong (tip o’ the antlers to markbyrn on Twitter).

The messiah of the Apple cargo cult has walked away from his role as Apple’s CEO after suffering from a bad case of perspective, as we reported at midnight.

Yes, you read that right. Farrell is chastising a cancer sufferer for failing to have had perspective.

[golf clap]

Bra-vo.

Steve Jobs is probably the first person in Apple’s history to suddenly wake up one morning and realise that there are better things in life than shiny toys.

The Macalope’s not sure if Farrell is limiting his holier-than-thou judgement to Apple employees or if he means that all of Apple’s customers are soulless monsters who are only interested in gadgets and place no value on interpersonal relationships.

Either way, zing! Good one. You really reduced us all to a sleazy, cartoonish stereotype there.

It must be reassuring to Jobs that there are hacks like Farrell looking out for him, sitting on the sidelines and telling him he’s lost perspective by continuing to do what he loves in the face of adversity. Surely Farrell is in a better position to be judging how Jobs should have dealt with this sad, personal tragedy.

Lecture on.

A long time ago we warned Jobs that creating fantasies for fanboys was a largely pointless exercise when your health was on the rocks.

Did you, now. Well, goody for you. So, when you get cancer, you’ll do it right, not like Jobs did. Give yourself a big clap on the back and, oh, you already are. Never mind.

He then started NeXT Inc., a company that developed a sophisticated computer workstation, and later co-founded Pixar Animation Studios.

Wrong. Well, technically, though really he bought the assets that would become Pixar from Lucasfilm.

He was drafted back in and shifted the company away from its traditional nice looking PC model, to gizmos and toys such as the iPod.

Because, as everyone knows, Apple stopped making Macs. Also, “drafted”? He chose to sell his company to Apple and then conducted a boardroom coup to take over.

Are you trying to seem like an insensitive ass who’s careless with basic facts? Because you’re doing a bang-up job of it.

But Jobs’ masterstroke was to move into the mobile arena first with the smartphone. Smartphones had been around but they had never had Apple’s design applied to them. That, coupled with a fanatical base and a sympathetic press, enabled Jobs to create a mobile hysteria around smartphones.

Apart from the use of tired clichés, this isn’t even good writing. “Mobile hysteria”? The hysteria was portable?

It was dubbed Jobs’ ‘reality distortion field’ where whatever the man said was considered to be absolutely true. It resulted in a company which was less about viable technology and more of a shallow 21st century cult where products were a replacement for religious satisfaction.

The man is stepping down from his position because of health reasons and you’re calling him a snake oil salesman. That’s class.

Just as interest in the iPod started to die off, Jobs came up with the iPad which successfully dusted off the tablet idea which Microsoft and indeed he had failed to convince the world was viable.

Nicely worded. The Macalope doesn’t usually jab people for simple typos, but in your case he’ll make an exception.

In doing so, Jobs created the “mobile boom” which lead to the development of more mobile consumer gadgets. This boom caught the industry on the hop and it has been slow to find an answer. This is mostly because rivals lacked the slick marketing and the fanatical Apple fanboy base and Tame Apple Press which Apple cultivated.

Uh-huh. The same press that declared a new iPhone killer every week? The same press that continues to declare a new iPad killer every week? The same press that said Apple was doomed because it didn’t introduce a crappy netbook? The same “fanatical Apple fanboy base” that’s probably now mostly made up of people who were using Windows just a few years ago? Clearly, it couldn’t be the fact that Apple’s products are just better than everyone else’s.

They couldn’t be! The Xoom is 4G-ready!

So far no one has managed to replicate Jobs’ success at this and it is not for a lack of technology.

No. It’s not. It’s because Jobs and Apple are simply better than their competitors are at design and execution.

All this success came at a price.

Dude, did you really just say his success caused his cancer? You gigantic, pompous prig?

In a normal universe, Jobs would have quit and spent loads of money getting better. However the cult of personality which had developed around Apple had forbidden that.

The Macalope doesn’t know about you, but he cannot conceive of an instance where he would suggest to someone with pancreatic cancer that if only he had spent more money, he might have cured himself. But, then, he’s not a jackass of Farrell’s caliber.

Nevertheless the Apple cult of personality insisted that Jobs had got better and the operation was widely reported to have worked right until this year when Jobs again took time off.

Throughout this idiotic waxing, Farrell does not provide one single solitary link to back up his assertion that Jobs wasn’t actually better and then faced a setback, as happens all the time to cancer sufferers. Because he can’t, of course. Inconvenient facts are apparently not enough to stop him from being a overbearing, monstrous scold.

However the real danger for Apple is that the reality distortion field around its products will crumble over time.

Sure, sure, because it’s all smoke and mirrors. WE GOT IT ALREADY.

Those who have come to believe that Steve Jobs is their personal saviour, might have difficulty accepting Tim Cook in the same role.

True. Fortunately, no one on the planet outside the imaginary Apple-loving demons that live in your head thinks that.

It is easy to buy a pile of tat from a man who you think is Jesus, however Tim has an uphill battle convincing anyone that Elijah’s mantel has fallen to him.

The Macalope may not be able to parse all of your ham-fisted religious metaphors, but if you’re saying Apple’s sales will fall like a rock under Cook’s tenure, he’ll take that bet.

Needless to say we expect Apple’s shareprice to suddenly become more realistic today.

On a day when the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 1.51 percent, Apple dropped 0.65 percent. The Macalope’s going to assume that wasn’t exactly the adjustment you had in mind, or you wouldn’t have brought it up. Looks like your stock predictions are about as good as your sense of decency.

Updated at 9:34 a.m. PT to correct information about Pixar’s founding.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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