The Macalope Daily: Backfire

The last couple of weeks brought out the worst in punditry, as a sack full of the dullest knives in technology and business writing tried to outdo each other in the offensive-a-lympics. But we’ve put that behind us now, and it’s time to begin the earnest work of telling Tim Cook how best to run Apple!

Ah, the “open letter.” Is there a sillier tool in the drawer full of dumb, online attention-grabbing stunts? Even the online petition seems to pale in comparison.

Well, today a dude you’ve never heard of decides to give Tim Cook a helping hand. Isn’t that sweet? What would Tim do without this guy you’ve never heard of?

Without further ado, let’s dive into J. Gerry Purdy’s Open Letter to Tim Cook, Apple’s New CEO (tip o’ the antlers to Trojan Kitten).

First and foremost, congratulations on becoming CEO at Apple! That’s a great testament to all the fine work you’ve done to help make Apple one of the most valuable companies in the world. You’ve kept the gears all moving harmoniously when viewed from the outside – engineering, design, manufacturing, channel management, customer experience and financial performance. You’ve got a fine-oiled machine that is operating at ‘full throttle.’

Now, let’s screw it up!

J. Gerry is a Ph. D., not a medical doctor, but he still dives to the root of Apple’s problems like a skilled surgeon.

I recommend you change the brand name of iTunes to iMedia. … And, you’ll be able to generate more revenue than before.

Yes, OK, the iTunes name makes no sense anymore. At the same time, it’s a recognizable brand name. Also at the same time, don’t you think this rearranging deck chairs on the USS Enterprise?

With over $70 billion of cash on the balance sheet, it would seem like a good time to begin making some strategic acquisitions. … TiVo … SanDisk…

Or, heck, just light some of that money on fire!

You would do well to introduce an iPad with a smaller 7” display to complement the current iPad with a larger display. And, while we’re at it, change the iPad form factor slightly to a 16x9 ratio to better display movies and TV shows.

Right. Because all those other 7-inch tablets are selling so well. “While we’re at it,” why not switch back to the PowerPC? Keep your competitors on their toes! Here’s a fun idea: iPad socks! Be the first technology company in space by opening an Apple Store on the International Space Station!

Acknowledge Adobe Solution to Flash. This seems like a ‘no brainer’ – all you have to do is publicly acknowledge that Version 4.5 of the Adobe Flash Media Server is acceptable to Apple, since it automatically utilizes HTTP Dynamic or Live Streaming on Apple devices (and Flash on PC devices).

Or, J. Gerry, here’s another thought: who cares?

I recommend you extend iCloud to sync with any popular mobile device, so that iCloud can truly transform mobile computing while allowing users to own any smartphone or tablet mobile device they want in order to benefit from iCloud’s services.

It’s apparently not enough that Apple be the most successful company of the current age, now they have to be a not-for-profit.

J. Gerry gets in a couple of suggestions that aren’t complete time-wasters—such as adding 3G connectivity to the iPod touch—but, like almost every open letter, it’s ultimately just an exercise in vanity that has the opposite of its intended effect: making the author look smart.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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