The Macalope Daily: Imaginarygate

The iPhone 5 isn’t even here yet and already it’s the subject of a -gate! Joe Wilcox has the lowdown that gives us everything except, uh, what the iPhone 5’s fatal flaw actually is. But he knows it’s DOA! When, in fact, it does actually arrive.

iPhone 5 has a big problem (tip o’ the antlers to markbyrn).

Apple’s patent assault on Samsung, and even HTC, is very much misdirection, so that eyes turned away from iPhone 5 problems.

Sure. The suits couldn’t have anything to do with, say, using every tool in your drawer to your competitive advantage. Or the fact that Samsung puts even Microsoft to shame in copying Apple. No, it’s to cover up for the iPhone 5’s flaws. Which surely exist, or it would have been delivered in July, because that’s what Apple did before and there can be no other reason to, uh, er…

You know what? This fake agreement is exhausting. Let’s just plow on.

I should have connected the dots sooner.

The dots that form the shape of a monkey in a fez riding a unicycle and juggling bananas?

In August, I asserted that “Apple is a patent bully“…

This is one of the problems with treating corporations like people. Overly sensitives types like Joe start ascribing human characteristics to them. If only Apple would use its words.

The first four iPhones launched in summer—July for the original model and June for the others. But June 2011 passed without a new iPhone. First there were rumors of August, then September, more recently October and now perhaps even later—as new rumors (if you believe them) suggest a production delay.

Actually, as the Macalope recalls it, there were rumors of the iPhone 5 not coming until 2012 in there somewhere, but that doesn’t fit into Joe’s timeline of ever-slipping imaginary deadlines, so let’s just leave that out.

Another: “The finest Android phone we’ve seen so far, the Samsung Galaxy S II isn’t just a competitor to the current iPhone. It competes with the next iPhone”, writes Sascha Segan for PC Mag.com, giving the smartphone an “Editor’s Choice” rating. That last statement is the clincher. Samsung already is one generation ahead of Apple.

Which, most people think, will release its next generation in a few weeks. But Apple should always come out with the next-generation phone first! Or something.

Apple is grappling with co-related problems: A serious smartphone competitor’s emergence and unfortunately-timed leadership change.

Joe, on the other hand, is grappling with the sequence of events. As well as possibly his sanity. Steve Jobs may have only officially stepped down as CEO recently, but he hasn’t had his butt firmly in the chair for many months now. It’s not like Apple’s experiencing sudden whiplash; the timing of this release was generally projected months ago.

Joe’s muse for this piece is Elias Samuel of the International Business Times.

The Cupertino-giant is riding high on expectation of selling their most-hyped smartphone, the iPhone 5 in the coming month.

“Most-hyped”? By who? Not Apple. It hasn’t said a word about what’s up its sleeves. Also, is the iPhone 5 being more hyped than the original iPhone was? Or the iPhone 4?

Sorry. Sorry. That’s just the Macalope pretending words have meaning. Please… go on.

As Apple went on suing Samsung for design patents, Samsung has turned around like a snake that no longer liked to be chased and has started by filing a countersuit in Australia while also appealing a key ruling in Germany.

Wait, wait, wait. You’re saying that snakes sometimes do like to be chased? Because, well, the Macalope can talk to some basilisks he knows, but he’s pretty sure that’s wrong.

By suing Samsung, Apple has actually taken away the public attention from the problems the company is facing, of late. After Samsung Galaxy S2 was received with rave reviews, it looks like Apple, which usually launches the iPhone versions in June failed to introduce their next iPhone.

This is a problem because Samuel has stated it is a problem. Back here on Earth, the iPhone 4 is still selling briskly.

Now the latest reports show that the iPhone 5 production could be behind schedule, it has been reported, with the tear-shaped design seemingly causing manufacturing issues.

Where by “reports” he means “unfounded rumors.” If things are “delayed,” it seems to the Macalope that the more likely culprit is iOS 5, not the iPhone itself.

Meanwhile, Apple’s stock rose past $410 yesterday, and those who aren’t Internet quacks like Wilcox and Samuel expect great things for the iPhone 5. Why shouldn’t they? The iPhone 4’s still selling really well and the next model’s probably going to be better than a phone that was released more than a year ago.

Samsung, meanwhile, has already vowed to seek to stop Korean sales of the iPhone 5, a device it hasn’t even seen yet, stating:

“For as long as Apple does not drop mobile telecommunications functions, it would be impossible for it to sell its i-branded products without using our patents.”

Well! Presumably, this would be a self-defense suit, as opposed to the smokescreen suits filed by beleagured Apple. Samsung invented cellular communications, don’t you know.

And people say Apple’s full of itself.

(Disclosure: the Macalope holds an insignificant number of Apple shares.)

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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