You know that Christmas carol about the ghosts who show the guy how bleak everything is but it wouldn’t have to be that way, if only he’d be nicer? The Macalope thinks it was called “The Holiday Special About The Mean Guy Who Became Nice, Starring Patrick Stewart.” Anyway, this isn’t about that.
No, instead it’s about another fetid piece of fruit cake over at Business Insider, this time about what would happen to Apple if it stopped being Apple and instead was stupid Apple. As always, the house policy chez le Macalope is no links for Business Insider, and this time it’s a public service, as this tripe shouldn’t be viewed by anyone with high blood pressure.
The “piece”—an 11-page ad-impression-maximizing slide show by Jay Yarrow—is titled “The 10 Ways Tim Cook Could Blow It For Apple In 2012” (tip o’ the antlers to James Draeger), and the Macalope’s not really sure if it’s worth pulling any quotes because the whole thing could be easily retitled “Henry Blodget’s Anti-Apple Fantasy Porn.”
Come to think of it, Business Insider could just be retitled that. It’d be more accurate. Is the “Insider” part supposed to reflect that this is all inside Blodget’s fevered dreams?
Ugh. OK. Let’s pull a few quotes. That is what the Macalope gets paid for, right?
Wait, is that it? Or is it to just sit around in suits and look good? Because being the Macworld eye candy would be less annoying than having to read Business Insider. And the Macalope’s not above being treated like an object. Heck, he’s practically a cartoon anyway.
Well, he’ll take that up with his editor. In the meantime, let’s get stupid.
Let the smartest people walk out the door
Yes, this could be a problem if it happens. Just like it could have been a problem if it happened last year or the year before that or the year before that or...
Release an iPhone 4S II instead of an iPhone 6
6?! What happened to 5?! Talk about moving the goal posts.
Release a bad Apple TV
Heck, as long as we’re just making things up about a thing that doesn’t exist yet, let’s really go to town! Holiday-style!
They could horfazzle their humdingers or kartoozle their flim-flummers
Re-jigger their wack-doodles and zin-zinger their zang-zungers!
Ugh, look, let’s just zoom through the rest so that you can get back to something more enjoyable, like wrapping presents or fighting your way through a crowded mall or fighting your way through a cave full of angry bears.
Hire the wrong guy to run retail
Only Steve Jobs can hire good people.
Let iCloud stagnate
On the other hand, we lived with Mobile Me for years and the company did pretty well.
Issue a dividend or buy back stock
In other words, throw the company’s policy toward capital management out the window.
Leave the iPad just as it is
Sure! That could totally happen!
Let the world’s Apple fantasies run wild
Seems like Business Insider’s fantasies all come in one flavor: Apple Is Doooooomed Crunch.
Just let Android get bigger and bigger
Because market share is more important than profit. Somehow.
Miss the next big thing!
The Macalope likes Apple’s odds on this versus those of any other company.
BONUS: Try to be Steve Jobs
Calling anything a “BONUS” on this list is just adding insult to injury.
(Programming note: the Macalope will be off on Monday as he expects to shoot his eye out some time Sunday morning with a Red Rider BB gun.)
[Editors’ Note: Each week the Macalope skewers the worst of the week’s coverage of Apple and other technology companies. In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]