The Macalope Daily: The doctor is in

The Macalope will submit to his supple yet physically powerful readers that there is no one better situated to prescribe a cure what what ails Apple than a Windows blogger.

Take it away, Paul Thurrott!

How Apple Can Fix The IPad In 2012

Uh... was not aware that it was broken.

Last year, I wrote about how Apple could fix the iPad in 2011. This type of thing is blasphemy to Apple’s empty-headed fanatics, who believe that everything Apple does is perfect.

Aw, it’s like a Christmas card from Paul! So sweet! And we didn’t get him anything. Again.

Curiously, however, Apple answered some of my suggestions and complaints with the release of the iPad 2 this past year.

There’s “empty-headed” and then there’s “fat-headed.”

So let’s take another look: Here’s how Apple can fix the iPad in 2012.

First, of course, we should take a look back at last year’s suggestions.

Nice setup, Cyrano.

Paul’s complaints about the iPad were the same perennial gripes about Apple products you hear from Apple detractors: They cost too much, don’t come in every possible configuration imaginable and don’t have removable media. Apple in fact only took one of Paul’s suggestions, that of adding cameras which, duh. He also said Apple “needs’ a 7-inch iPad to compete with the Kindle. Actually, the only thing Apple needs (if anything) is a cheaper iPad.

Keep bringing out those old saws, they never stop being hilarious as Apple sells more and more devices and takes more and more of the profits in each market.

OK, time to get into the dry, overheated holiday meat of Thurrott’s piece: his suggestions for how to screw up the iPad in 2012.

It's time for another iOS revolution. The iPad’s OS was a revolution in 2007, but it’s looking dated next to Windows Phone, in particular, and even compared to Android.

The Macalope admires the different tack Microsoft took with Windows Phone, but it’s not like it’s really paid off for the company. And he doesn’t really have much to say about Android’s schizophrenic UI. Somehow with a “dated” OS, the iPhone and iPad continue to sell more units than any competing devices. It’s weird!

Computer. In tandem with the previous suggestion, Apple should make iOS the basis for its standard personal computer operating system in 2011 and slowly phase out Mac OS X... ...formally making mouse/trackpad and keyboard first-class input devices, and creating a version of the Macbook Air that is basically an iPad with a clip-on keyboard + battery.

In other words, do the opposite of what Microsoft is doing—trying to shoehorn Windows onto a tablet. Because people are dying to use a mouse and Microsoft Office on a tablet. Because they hate themselves? The Macalope’s a little unclear on that part.

High resolution, high DPI.

This will probably be the one Apple actually does do.

A 7-inch version of the iPad could retain the original devices’ resolution.

Uh, right. And run iPad apps? That’d work real well. The Macalope hopes you like squinting.

Simplify the product line. ...I recommend killing off the Wi-Fi-only versions and making a single device that would work on any wireless network.

But add a 7-inch tablet to the mix. And lower the price.

Paul would also like some fudge.

Magical fudge that’s calorie-free.

While some people react in an overly emotional way to these and related suggestions...

Well, in our defense, most of these suggestions are contradictory, completely nuts, and fly in the face of how Apple’s made the iPad so successful.

...I can see a future where simpler devices like the iPad take over for more complex, traditional PCs and Macs.

Paul looks into a crystal ball to see things that are happening around him right now. He’s weird that way.

But it’s not going to happen until and unless the iPad matures into a more capable product line.

Well, there’s always room for improvement. As Paul so frequently shows.

[Editors’ Note: Each week the Macalope skewers the worst of the week’s coverage of Apple and other technology companies. In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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