The Macalope Daily: You gotta have faith

ZDNet is like a maze of crazy. Every time you think you understand the org chart of bizarre beliefs and wacky leaps of logic, you find someone new whose particular disturbance you have to diagnose.

Which brings us to Paula Rooney, who the Macalope is getting to know for the first time after years of his theorizing on the high lead content in the drinking fountain at ZDNet.

“Android tablet surge will be led by Google-Motorola, HP, Dell in ’12” (tip o’ the antlers to Daring Fireball)

Fear not, Android lovers. Google’s Motorola Mobility’s next generation tablet will commandeer Android’s rightful place in the market and bring others such as HP and Dell back to the Android table

But remember, it’s Apple fans who are the blind members of a religious cult, brainwashed by the company’s reality distortion field.

Apple and Microsoft are getting all the ink in the tablet wars these days but no doubt Android tablets will be matching if not outselling iPads within a year or so.

Because developers love it!

People seem to forget that Google is the new owner of Motorola Mobility…

The indisputable tablet king.

… and plans to release a Xoom-like tablet running Android 4.X sometime in mid 2012, company chairman Eric Schmidt has said publicly.

I have no doubt it will be a game changer.

No doubt in my mind.

The Xoom and Xoom 2 are pretty nice but they never lived up to the expectations against the iPad the way its sibling Android Droid smartphones quickly outpaced Apple’s iPhone.

Uhhh… what?

Google did not spend more than $12 billion to spice up the Droid.

No, Google spent $12 billion to buy up a bunch of patents after realizing how screwed it was. That’s $12 billion, by the way, that likely wiped out all of the profit Google has made on Android to date. That’s some serious business jujitsu there.

Having made the unsupported assumption that Google’s tablet will automatically be a winner, Rooney is ready to flesh out this particular piece of Android fan fiction.

I also predict that Google’s tablet success will bring HP and Dell to the Android table.

Well, sure!

Dell abandoned its Streak5 and 7 tablets (it still sells accessories) but I think the company simply took advantage of the lull in the Android market to go back to the drawing board and produce a better iPad rival.

There’s simply too much demand and too [much] money to be made.

Actually there isn’t, because Apple’s taking it all.

Right now there are two different tablet markets: a huge market for Apple tablets and a smaller market for Amazon tablets. There is no market for Android tablets. None. Android tablets have no storefront, no constituency.

Some have already seen some nice uptick in Android tablet sales, such as Amazon with its Kindle Fire.

Well, by “some” she means “one.” One which happens to not actually be an “Android” tablet. But other than those two things, totally.

It’s just a matter of some quick hardware development and snazzy marketing—and maybe a new name.

It’s that easy, my friends.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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