The Macalope Daily: Just say no

Happy iPad day! There’s just one thing you need to remember today:

WHATEVER YOU DO, FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T BUY AN IPAD!

That’s right, while some sites may enable you in this reckless behavior, others are warning you against continuing a spiral of addiction to devices that look and work great and are available today at reasonable prices. The Macalope has identified no less than three separate arguments against running out and slapping down your wallet at the nearest purveyor of fine tablets.

The first school of thought: “Whoa! Slow down, cowboy! Where’s the iPad fire?”

Yes, CNet’s Kent German advocates a “cooling off period” until Microsoft can catch up.

“Windows 8 and why to wait on the new iPad”

Sure, you’d forego all the utility and enjoyment that you’d get out of having a functioning iPad in your hands between now and whenever Windows 8 tablets that don’t suck start shipping. But were you aware that your iPad purchase is completely irreversible and may send you into a dangerous iPad lifestyle that will affect you and everyone you love? Please read this informative pamphlet and get help now.

The second school of thought: “iPads just suck!”

ZDNet’s David Gewirtz helpfully provides “16 reasons NOT to buy a new iPad (including 7 that haven’t changed from earlier iPads)” (tip o’ the antlers to LeTap), a delightful piece of passive-aggressive link-baiting spread over not one, not two, but three pages.

The primary drawbacks of the iPad, in David’s opinion, are the fact that Apple won’t allow porn apps on the App Store and the 4-by-3 aspect ratio, which he calls “anachronistic.” David must be using an an unusual definition of the word, though, as given that Apple sells more iPads than all other tablets combined you can safely say its features are “in style.”

Our final school of thought on this important topic: “Why buy an iPad when you can settle for less?”

Now, for the record, the Macalope had not seen Don Reisinger’s top 10 list of “iPad Alternatives: Other Tablets to Consider” when he started writing this piece. Nevertheless, he knew it existed. To quote Mr. Spock, “If I let go of a hammer on a planet that has a positive gravity, I need not see it fall to know that it has in fact fallen.”

So many folks are looking to buy the tablet, in fact, that the new iPad is already sold out before it even hits store shelves. … Perhaps then, consumers who weren’t lucky enough to preorder the new iPad need to consider their options. Sure, they can wait for Apple’s new iPad, but if they really need a solid tablet now, they don’t have to put their plans on hold. There are a host of high-quality tablets on store shelves right now that will make any would-be tablet owner happy.

The list includes the iPad 2 and the usual collection of Android also-rans and BlackBerry never-rans. It also has one device the Macalope hadn’t seen before, the Le Pan, which he assumes is French for the reviews it got. Don highly recommends you check that one out.

So, before you rush out and buy a new iPad, please call our hotline at 1-800-NOT-IPAD and speak to Kent, David, Don or any of our trained crisis counselors, won’t you?

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

Subscribe to the MacWeek Newsletter

Comments