The Macalope Daily: The gates of heck

Seems like it’s been forever since we had a trumped-up Apple scandal. Where by “forever” the Macalope means “six months or so.” OK, “last week.”

Remember Antennagate? Man, those were good times. People were actually saying that Apple would have to recall the iPhone 4. Quick! Before it’s too late and you sell a bazillion of them!

And then there was Glassgate and a whole bunch of mini-gates that all amounted to, uh, let’s see, multiply by six… carry the two… and that gives us…

Nothing.

Well…

Let’s do it again!

This week alone has brought us Heatgate, LTEgate, and Linegate! Let’s meet the new gates!

You’re probably already familiar with Heatgate, as some owners of new iPads have noticed their devices seem to run warmer than previous iPads. Just how much warmer? Don’t worry, Consumer Reports is on the case! And who else are you going to trust except the publication that refused to recommend the iPhone 4 despite the fact that you suckers kept buying them by the pallet?

Our finding that the new iPad can heat up to as much as 116 degrees Fahrenheit when plugged in and continually running a game has prompted widespread coverage and comments, as well as questions from consumers on our blog post, Facebook page, and via Twitter.

And mockery. Don’t forget the mockery.

Thank god Consumer Report is on this, because you know you won’t get a minute of sleep until the magazine that your parents used to figure out which blender to buy weighed in on how hot the new iPad is. And when they say “hot” they really mean “warm.”

Well, if that’s not enough to get you to file a class-action lawsuit, perhaps you’d like to sue Apple because—hold on to your hats now—it turns out that having more bandwidth means you can chew up your data plan faster (tip o’ the antlers to 9to5Mac)!

No. Way.

And here the Macalope thought 4G was consequence-free. To be fair, though, we all remember the Wall Street Journal article about Motorola Xoom owners who used up all their data after they waited months to send their tablets back for the two-week 4G upgrade hahahaha of course not.

Well, don’t get used to this last gate, because it’s already come and gone. Alas, poor Linegate! You left us too soon!

“Was the new iPad launch a dud?”

The lines were distinctly shorter than past years, some whispered, the rollout more subdued.

Too bad that those who were “whispering” (by posting things on their websites), like Gizmodo, had to issue follow-ups saying “oops, never mind.”

Oh, Gizmodo! Are you guys still mad about that time you bought a stolen iPhone?!

OK, good.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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