The Macalope Daily: Google mash note

Sometimes, while the Macalope sleeps in his forest home on the edge of the great plains of North America, his rest is fitful. Because somewhere—perhaps even on the other side of the globe—someone is saying something stupid about Apple.

Like, for example, Australian TV maker Ruslan Kogan, who says that without Google, Apple would be nothing (tip o’ the antlers to Peter Millard).

Uhhhh huh. Because we all remember how… Google… helped Apple… make the Mac and the iPod…

What?

“I am a massive fan of Google and everything they do,” Kogan explained to TechRadar when we met him this week.

That much seems obvious. Please, please just put your pants back on.

“Without Google, Apple would be nothing. They may have great phones and tablets but the decent apps and the ones everyone uses on an iPhone and an iPad are made by Google, like Google Maps.”

Really. OK, a few things about that, oh maker of idiot boxes, oh fabricator of boob tubes.

First, it’s the Macalope’s understanding that it was Apple that made the Maps app in iOS. Google, which couldn’t code a really attractive app if Scott Forstall provided wireframes and the code to do it, simply provides the data.

Second, the Macalope could not help but notice that you only name one “Google app” without which Apple would be lost. What might the others be? Gmail? Ha-ha-ha!

Ahhhh. That’s a joke, you see, because so is the Gmail app.

Thirdly, Kogan must think the fact that Apple chose not to use Google maps in iPhoto on iOS is tantamount to suicide. Does Kogan really think people give a rip where their map data comes from, as long as it’s accurate?

“Google won’t do this but they could piss off Apple by making their apps only available on Android tablets, they have the power.”

Kogan is either just buttering Google’s bread or showing how dangerous some of the chemicals used to make TV sets can be to cognitive functions.

Let us go through this again for the slower students and those who have huffed too much plastic sealant fume. Kogan has this exactly backwards: Google makes two-thirds of its mobile ad revenue from iOS devices and that amount is chump change compared to what Apple makes on the iPhone alone. Google, simply put, is not in Apple’s league. To be fair, though, no one is.

This isn’t to say that Kogan doesn’t admire Apple’s popularity…

“Isn’t envious of” would probably be more accurate.

“Apple works in a completely different sphere to everyone else. They add a premium to their products and their followers are so loyal they will pay it.”

Ah, the “loyal followers” construction! That one never gets old, no matter how many times the Macalope hears it! Once again, the point is that only religious zealots who have been brainwashed into worshipping at the Church of Apple buy iPads or iPhones or Macs. It’s not because they’re just good devices that people like.

You know, we don’t mind if you suck up to Google, if that’s what’s good for your business. But can you do it in private? This is like watching a slobbering make-out session at a junior high school dance. Nobody wants to watch your awkward attempts at giving Google a hickey.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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