The Macalope Daily: The Alternative Factor

You ever see that episode of the original Star Trek where the guy is sealed in some inter-dimensional corridor with his anti-person, trapped in battle for the rest of time? Sometimes that’s how the Macalope feels it is with him and Rob Enderle.

Some have gone so far as to suggest that the Macalope is Rob Enderle, and that the dual personalities are simply a perpetual revenue-generation scheme. Write stupid article for TechNewsWorld, skewer on Macworld, get paid by both!

Actually, you know, that’s not a bad idea. All the Macalope would have to do is sell his immortal soul. Like he’s going to be able to find that. He thinks he lost it in his last move.

Truthfully, the Macalope mostly tries to ignore Rob, because saying dumb things about Apple is just part of his schtick. And by “schtick” the Macalope means “sucking up to his client list,” which reads one-for-one like a list of Apple’s competitors.

Anyway, here we go again. No link because come on, Rob.

“Meg Whitman vs. Tim Cook by the Numbers” (tip o’ the antlers to Sean Hussey)

Rob does not, in fact, include actual numbers. Which is too bad, because that spreadsheet would be hysterical.

While Apple is outperforming HP, Whitman is clearly a bigger asset to HP than Cook is to Apple.

Can we just stop for a moment here to point out that HP is a client of Rob’s? A fact that, let’s see, yes, is not pointed out anywhere in this piece. Still, it’s easy to find out. Just go to Rob’s website and scroll all the way down to the bottom, to the little tiny link that says “Disclosure Policy,” and you can see his list of clients. Who could miss that?!

She is clearly improving the mess she started with…

Indeed! Rob has found the silver lining in being face down in the gutter with your pants around your ankles, covered in your own filth, and without a dollar left to your name—like HP was when Whitman took over. There’s nowhere to go but up!

Last week was an interesting week. Apple (Nasdaq: AAPL) announced what appears to be a penis iron in the new iPad…

How shocking that Rob might be penis obsessed! Who’d have called that? Other than everyone.

…and folks are burning through their monthly 4G data plans in a few hours.

With their penises! No, wait…

Tim’s having his first Antennagate moment, and Steve Jobs he isn’t.

Technically, this is true, but in the stopped clock kind of way. Heatgate is an overblown faux scandal, just like Antennagate, and Tim Cook is not actually Steve Jobs!

On the other hand, Meg Whitman announced her first major restructuring since taking over HP (NYSE: HPQ), and on paper it not only looks impressive, but also is reminiscent of what Carly Fiorina attempted to do in a lot of ways.

On the one hand, Whitman announced a plan! And meanwhile what has Tim Cook done?! Pull off another highly successful product launch that’s further cemented Apple’s position as the market leader in tablets, and generated billions more in revenue? Ha-ha-haaa! As if that’s as good as a plan!

And now for the most awkward segue you’ll read this week. Possibly ever:

The problems range from poor WiFi reception and WAN data plans that run through their monthly allocation in hours, to the very high temperature that the iPad operates at, which Consumer Reports says could cause burns if held for a long period—like, say, if a child were playing games. Let’s just say when I get an ad about a product that will make me longer and harder I’m not expecting to get an iron, yet this Apple appears to be designed to take the creases out of my private part.

The Macalope is considering a class action suit against Enderle for the whiplash he incurred switching images from a child playing a game to Rob’s johnson. Much is made of Rob’s seemingly poor analytical ability when it comes to Apple (personally, the Macalope thinks he’s deliberately just ginning up hits and further prostrating himself to his masters), but he’s also a really horrible writer. Let’s not forget that.

As the Macalope notes, it’s hardly worth responding to this, as he doesn’t think Rob even believes it. He’s just swatting the hornet’s nest. But suffice it to say that when it’s been debunked by PCWorld, you know it’s a crock.

But back to Steve Jobs’ three critical roles. One was as a proxy for the consumer, and this new iPad is heavier and has critical issues for users (connectivity and heat), which suggests someone didn’t fulfill Jobs’ quality-assurance role.

Like they did with Antennagate. Do you even read what you write?

Momentum will only carry Apple so far. It has a premium brand, and people expect a premium experience. If they don’t get it, the lines to buy their products will get ever shorter.

Uh-huh. Like what’s happened with the iPhone 4S and the new iPad.

Oh, Rob. Are we to lock antlers like this forever? Is there literally no shaming you into ceasing to send forth your flying monkeys of wrongness about Apple every few weeks?

That’s a rhetorical question, by the way. The Macalope learned the answer to that long ago.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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