The Macalope Weekly: Always with the negative waves

This week there were so many Apple contrarians oozing out of the woodwork that it was almost contrarian to say Apple would continue to succeed. Which makes sense when you consider that the company just posted results from another monster quarter, right?

The Apple Doomsday Cult

Because it’s been hurled at Apple fans so much, the Macalope usually eschews the term “cult.” He wouldn’t use it to refer to Windows users, or Android users, or even Linux users. But how else to describe the people who continually predict Apple’s demise? It’s hard to believe, but these people are still out there and, like members of any cult, no facts or figures or electric shock therapy will cure them of their wacky beliefs.

Most of the wide-eyed stares of disbelief focused on a blog post by Forrester Research’s George Colony, but it was Rocco Pendola who got the ball o’ doom rolling this week writing for TheStreet, which graciously hosts so many of these missives, possibly as part of a government make-work program for crazy people.

“Apple’s Downfall Coming” (tip o’ the antlers to stinmass)

I wrote something as a bit of an aside in a recent TheStreet article about Amazon.com and Pandora…

…that defies logic.

He seems like a nice guy so I hate to say it, but Apple’s downfall will come courtesy of Tim Cook. With Jobs gone, Cook has already made a mockery of his legacy. First, a dividend and a buyback. And now rumors of something Jobs detested—a mini iPad.

First of all, the lack of a dividend is hardly part of Jobs’s legacy. Jobs’s legacy is that of a single-minded vision of shipping well-designed products that deliver an exceptional user experience and appeal to a broad base of users. Second, while rumors do not a product make, it’s important to point out that Jobs also derided television as something you turn your brain off to watch.

Read more…

The Macalope guesses it’s not surprising that many Wall Street jockeys are still clueless about such heady topics as Apple, and Steve Jobs, and how soup works.

Before I expand on this…

…I need to stretch out so I don’t pull a groin muscle shoveling this much horse manure.

Without doubt, gaggles of cynics will label me master of the obvious.

Actually, the Macalope’s not even sure you’ve mastered that.

AAPL bulls have made a profound error: After rightly heaping praise on Steve Jobs for Apple’s enormous success, many of them now discount his contribution, claiming that mere mortals can run the show without missing a beat.

Truth be told, the people who said Jobs did it all, including the soldering, were wrong. There are countless examples of how opportunities would have been missed—such as not shipping iTunes for Windows—if things had been done strictly Jobs’s way. Will Apple be the same without him? No. But it wasn’t a one-man show, either.

Jobs made the people around him better. He willed them to accomplish the impossible.

It’s amazing how touchy-feely so many of these “APPLE IS DOOOOMED” pieces are. Probably because when you look at the company’s fundamentals you can’t make the case with a straight face.

The Chinese Government needs to have CEOs visit them and shake their hands. Jobs never would have done such a thing, despite his fondness for Eastern spirituality and such.

Right. Despite the time he spent in India studying Buddhism, Jobs never would have shaken the hand of the leader of the country that invaded Tibet. Weird! What a dichotomy.

Almost all of Pendola’s house of frayed cards is built on the assumption that Apple will be releasing an iPad mini, which most Apple experts seem to think won’t happen any time soon, if ever. But, apparently, lack of any ground to stand on isn’t a hinderance to writing for TheStreet.

Not exactly missing it

No, it’s not news that an assortment of wackadoodles, dingbats, chowderheads, and goofballs continue to try to make something—anything—negative out of Apple’s quarterly results. Still, it continues to be funny.

Yes, in the forest of awesomeness that Apple announced on Tuesday, some are saying “Hey, check out the bark on this one tree. That look infected to you?”

It’s not surprising that our pals at Business Insider were immediately on top of the big takeaway from Apple’s conference call:

“MISS: Apple Sells 11.8 Million iPads In Q1.” (Again, no link because, you know.)

Oh, you think that was bad? Wait for the subtitle:

“Ouch.”

Yes. They really said that. “Ouch.” Because, you know…ow.

It hurts to narrowly miss one Wall Street estimate while at the same time shattering all the other ones. It’s terrible. The Macalope doesn’t know how Apple will be able to pick itself up from this devastating setback.

John Gruber explains the ridiculousness of calling this a “fly in the ointment” as the Atlantic Monthly did. Long story short, the number that Apple “missed” is the average of Wall Street analysts’ made-up numbers. They have no real idea what Apple’s going to announce; they’re making a guess based on second- and third-hand information. In a rational world, no one should have to explain that Apple is under no obligation to meet Wall Street’s estimates. What people should be concerned with is whether Apple improves on its own numbers. Which it did. Handsomely.

So, no surprises from Business Insider, but it is a little surprising to see AllThingsD call iPad sales “something of a disappointment” (tip o’ the antlers to Lessien).

12 million iPads is a disappointment on Planet Nutball because it wasn’t astounding, which is what everyone’s come to expect from Apple.

Well, this kind of thing is no big deal because what’s important is Apple’s actual results, which were astounding.

Saturday Special: You should see the other guy

Well, now that we know what color the sky is on Planet Nutball, what’s the weather like back here on Earth?

Sunny, with a chance of awesome.

Apart from the obviously very troubling iPad number, Apple sold something like 9 kajillion iPhones, almost doubling its profit and bumping its margin up to an astounding 47.4 percent. (Cue the complaints of overpriced Apple products.)

Well, while Apple may have had a good quarter, we cannot ignore Android and all the winning, right?

“Apple blowing Android away in enterprise”

Doy?

According to the latest numbers released by mobile enterprise tech firm Good Technology, iOS devices accounted for around 80% of new activations on corporate networks in the first quarter of 2012, while Android-based devices accounted for just 20%.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, the Macalope distinctly remembers some people arguing that Android was better for use in the enterprise because it had Good. Even though the iPhone also had Good.

Admittedly, it was a weird argument and the Macalope didn’t get its subtlety, but the key takeaway was “Android = good for the enterprise, iPhone = bad.” Now you’re telling the horny one that’s not true, despite the fact that it was not true at the time?

Well, don’t that beat all?

Oh, say, since we’re talking about Android, how are Android tablets doing?

“Tablet Competition Heats Up: Kindle Fire Captures more than Half of Android Tablet Market”

So, more than half of Android tablets sold are Kindle Fires, which aren’t technically Android. Ooh, that’s gonna leave a mark.

You know, Apple calls the Apple TV a “hobby.” The Macalope thinks Google should come up with an appellation like that for Android. Like maybe “sick obsession” or “self-destructive behavior.”

[Editors’ Note: Each week the Macalope skewers the worst of the week’s coverage of Apple and other technology companies. In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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