The Macalope Daily: How are you going to keep them down on the farm...

… when they’ve seen the bright lights of the big city?

Ah, the Macalope loves it when a Dell executive steps forward and says something dumb about Apple; it makes the horny one’s job easier.

“Dell chief hits out at ‘shiny’ iPad” (tip o’ the antlers to Adrian Kingsley-Hughes)

Shiny things are apparently bad. What’s good is dull black. Please, stop enjoying your computing experience and get serious. Put hope aside.

Dell Australia managing director Joe Kremer refuses to give up the tablet computing race, claiming that “shiny” devices like Apple’s iPad are too difficult for business to support.

What is easy to support are nonexistent Dell tablets running Windows 8. Those are really easy to support. You hardly have to do anything! Don’t buy iPads! Wait for our Windows-based tablet that we’ll ship more than two years after the iPad! It’s so much better!

Referring to the iPad, Mr Kremer told a media and analyst briefing in Sydney on Wednesday: “People might be attracted to some of these shiny devices but technology departments can’t afford to support them.

“If you are giving a presentation and something fails on the software side it might take four days to get it up and running again. I don’t think this race has been run yet.”

Translation: “I have never used or even seen an iPad before and I have no idea how they work, so I’ll assume they work like the pieces of crap we sell.”

Despite resistance from some technology departments, the iPad has been a big hit with senior executives and a growing number of companies have issued them to board members so that they don’t have to carry reams of paper around with them.

But, boy, it sure is a problem when they, uh, go down and, er, you can’t give a presentation for, uh, four days?

Has that ever happened even once?

While he would not be drawn on the likely uptake of Windows 8 among the business community when it is launched later this year, Mr Kremer said there was significant pent-up demand among customers who had skipped the previous two releases of the software and were still running their computers on Windows XP.

And what businesses are likely to do is finally pull the trigger on Windows 7, because Windows 8 is too much of a change to take on now, what with a continued softness in the economy and enemy planets deliberately passing between us and the sun, depriving us of its life-giving rays.

It’s pretty obvious that Dell is just playing to its competitive advantage here. And that would be spreading manure.

[Editors’ Note: Each week the Macalope skewers the worst of the week’s coverage of Apple and other technology companies. In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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