With all the talk about the Microsoft Surface last week, it’s high time we spoke with the Macalope’s Microsoft counterpart: our old friend, the Winotaur.
WINOTAUR: You feeling the heat yet?!
MACALOPE: The heat of products not yet shipping?
WINOTAUR: Oh, yeah, baby! Prepared to get re-Surfaced!
WINOTAUR: I’m … still working out some catch phrases.
MACALOPE: Hey, what’s with not allowing anyone during the hands-on to actually, well, put their hands on the devices?
WINOTAUR: Sometimes there’s a product that’s just too hot to handle, you know, bro?
MACALOPE: Don’t call the Macalope “bro.” But, to be clear, what you’re saying is that they run hot.
WINOTAUR: What? No!
MACALOPE: Wicked hot. Too hot to hold. Burn-your-thighs kind of hot.
WINOTAUR: Stop putting words in my mouth!
MACALOPE: Well, see, here’s the thing. We have no real experience with this device, so all that’s left for us to do is speculate. Speculate about the price, the battery life, and why you wouldn’t let anyone use one. For months. Such is the atmosphere you’ve created. These are the seeds you’ve sown. Like sands in the hourglass, so pass the days of our …
WINOTAUR: You’re just upset because now we’re the most exciting company in tech.
WINOTAUR: The most exciting company in tech.
WINOTAUR: The. Most. Exciting. Company. In. Tech.
MACALOPE: Why do you keep saying that?
WINOTAUR: I’m trying to drop a link here! Where’s the link?!
MACALOPE: Oh, nooo. You don’t link to Gizmodo in the Macalope’s column. Get your own column. Besides, you’re the most exciting in that “drunk driver careening through a busy suburb” kind of way. Will he make it to his destination without killing dozens?! You don’t want to watch but you cannot look away!
WINOTAUR: Oh, these grapes are sour. It just kills you that we’ve got the buzz now.
MACALOPE: Vapor buzz.
WINOTAUR: Oh, you mean like the iPhone when it was announced.
MACALOPE: Douché. But even six months out, it was announced with a price. And the software demoed on it, you know, worked. Most of the announcement was a software demo. Steve Jobs even crank-called a Starbucks on the iPhone! He didn’t stand around asking people to listen to how the hardware clicks.
WINOTAUR: But the Surface runs Windows 8! People already know and love Windows 8!
MACALOPE: “Know and love”? Listen to yourself. Windows 8 isn’t shipping yet, either!
WINOTAUR: Ugh, God, I keep forgetting that.
MACALOPE: You know, even Paul Thurrott said “the more you think you want this device, the more you realize you know almost nothing about it.”
WINOTAUR: We have got to get better toadies.
MACALOPE: Look, the Macalope’s already admitted that the Surface looks interesting. There are some things about it that look ill-conceived—like touting a kickstand that only has one position—but it does seem like Microsoft really thought about this thing and it may appeal to a number of people.
WINOTAUR: Of course it will!
MACALOPE: If it works. If it’s priced right. If it gets decent battery life. If …
WINOTAUR: It will!
MACALOPE: So you say.
WINOTAUR: Oh, what, you don’t trust us?
MACALOPE: You don’t really want an answer to that, do you?
WINOTAUR: Uh … no.
[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]