The Macalope Daily: Still crazy after all these years

On Saturday, the Macalope mentioned how Buzzblog’s Paul McNamara coaxed a bitter, self-serving email out of John C. Dvorak (well, really, how hard could that be?) after asking him to explain how he could be so wrong about the iPhone five years ago.

As amusing as that was, it seems to have made John nostalgic for the good ol’ days when he trolled Apple fans with abandon.

Dvorak’s latest poke in the eye of Apple fans is “Giddyup, Apple!” (it's over at PCMagazine if you’re feeling particularly masochistic this morning) and is subtitled “The company is strolling like Microsoft when it should be sprinting like Adobe.”

Sprinting like the company that spent a couple of years telling us how Flash was the “real web.” Oookay.

We should have had an iPad 3 by now and an iPhone 5 by now.

Just because Apple calls it the “new iPad” doesn't mean... you know, is there really any point in arguing with him?

Apple does not have this luxury because everyone is breathing down its neck, including Samsung, a partner of Apple’s. Teardown experts have shown that at least 26 percent of an iPhone is comprised of Samsung parts. Meanwhile, Apple is suing Samsung over its tablet.

And the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln!

And I should mention that many of Apple’s “patents” are ludicrous design and process patents. The curved edges and centered screen, for example, are patented.

As opposed to the patents of other companies which are all pure as the driven snow and smell like vanilla.

Samsung is going to calculate what it lost in the court action and I can assure you that someday in the future, when the opportunity is right, Samsung is going to pull the plug on some component. It will make sure that Apple eats at least that much money in lost sales.

And it’ll just take those components that it didn’t end up selling to Apple and light them on fire because smart business people are really in it for the spite.

Why are we supposed to believe the fevered revenge fantasies of John Dvorak, PCMagazine? Is there some primer to this lunatic slash fiction? Like maybe a tab of acid?

While the iPhone users are using the once-fashionable, fragile iPhone 4, Samsung is rolling out a line of big screen beauties like the Note and the Galaxy S III.

John Dvorak is a size queen. Surprise.

Who knows what exactly is waiting in the wings when Apple eventually brings out the iPhone 5?

One thing’s for certain: No matter what it looks like you’ll tell us it stinks and is too late to save the company from ill humors or whatever it is you think is troubling Apple, as if any of these supposed troubles appear in its quarterly results.

To do this right, Apple needs a new phone every quarter.

Oh, is that all? And here the Macalope thought you were going to ask for something unreasonable.

This means four new phones a year with the old ones discontinued or sold off cheap. The Apple fans will buy four phones a year instead of one or two. Business will boom.

As... opposed to how Apple’s doing now.

Well, thanks for the advice, John. The Macalope’s sure Apple will really take it to heart.

Wait, the heart’s not really the right organ. Pancreas? Maybe they’ll take to pancreas. If that.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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