The Macalope Daily: Something from nothing

It takes a village to build a dumb iPhone rumor. A village made entirely of village idiots.

Take it away, ironically-named Know Your Mobile:

Apple will announce the iPhone 5 on August 7, Know Your Mobile can exclusively reveal.

Exclusive, maybe. Correct? No.

How can the Macalope say this with certainty? Well, let’s just check with Jim Dalrymple. Jim, will the iPhone 5 come out on August 7th?

Nope.

Done and done. Still, it appears some didn’t get the message that this rumor had been squashed like a bug under Jim’s hard-rockin’ boot.

“When is iPhone 5 coming out? Some saying early August release date is possible”

Some say! Well, true! Some, like, for example, Crazy Donald who hangs out at the Circle K outside of Topeka. He says lots of crazy things.

That’s not actually how he got his nickname, though. He actually got it for his dance moves back in the early ’90s club scene. Before the head injury. Sad story.

So, why are people with head injuries saying Apple would do this?

Analysts are now blaming the earlier release date predictions mostly on the major success of the Samsung Galaxy S3.

Uh-huh. Because Samsung claims it will have shipped 10 million Galaxy S IIIs to carriers (not customers) in the two months it’s been on sale as opposed to Apple only having shipped 35 million iPhones last quarter.

The release of the iPhone 4S was a disappointment to many …

… nitwits.

… and the disappearance of Steve Jobs may have been a turning point for American society.

The notion that America has turned into a Mad Max-style post apocalyptic nightmare since Steve Jobs died is absurd. Preposterous.

It’s been that way for years.

Innovation is no longer in Apple’s camp.

Because the phone that was designed and built while Steve Jobs was alive and CEO was not tear-drop shaped like a collection of the dullest knives taken from drawers across the globe wanted it to be.

Say, where did The Examiner get their information? Why, from Pop Herald, of course. They don’t have a link to “hot celebrity videos” like The Examiner does, but the Macalope is sure they’re rock-solid, nonetheless.

According to reports, Samsung’s Galaxy S3 is set to reach an impressive 15 million sales mark this quarter, 5 million bigger than the anticipated July sales prediction, and 10 million bigger than last year’s Galaxy S2 sales during the same period.

And, yet, still 20 million fewer iPhones than Apple sold—to actual people!—last quarter. But somehow we’re supposed to believe that Apple is going to rush iOS 6 and the iPhone 5 out the door in the next three weeks because of this terror.

Now, rumors posted online say …

Wow! “Rumors posted online”! With attribution like that, you know it’s going to be good!

… Apple wants its own piece of the pie and will launch the iPhone 5 two months ahead of the anticipated October release date.

As opposed to the three-quarters of the pie they get now, Apple would henceforth just like a piece of the pie.

Look, pie is fattening, people. There’s no denying that. You can’t blame Apple for wanting to slim down. Particularly with its high school reunion coming up.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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