The Macalope Daily: Pre-hated for your convenience

The cycle of technology upgrades gets faster every year. Why, now you don’t even need to wait for the next iPhone to be announced for pundits to tell you how lame it is!

MarketWatch’s Jon Friedman doesn’t even want to look at it.

“Get that Apple iPhone 5 out of my face”

How is there an iPhone 5 in your face when it hasn’t been announced yet? Are you in a time machine?

Apple is expected to unveil its newest smartphone model, which everyone has already dubbed the iPhone 5, on Sept. 12.

Everyone except the only people who matter: Apple.

I don’t want to hear about the presumably superior way I’ll be able to take and store photos and all the rest.

Yeah! New things are annoying!

Don’t misunderstand me. I have a Macbook Pro.

Oh, hey, it’s street cred time! Yes, it’s time for Friedman to wax on about how “down” he is with Apple so don’t you dare accuse him of knee-jerk Apple hating. His knee is jerking for some other weird reason, thank you very much.

Before I purchased my first iPhone in late 2010, my iPod was seldom out of reach. Apple makes useful, shiny...

Shiny! All Apple products must be described as “shiny” in order to achieve maximum condescension.

...products that are more crucial to my existence than clean air or water.

LOL, GOOD ONE, BRO. STREET CRED ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.

And yet, I am proud to say that I won’t rush out to get an iPhone 5 for the same reason that many of you will do so—whether you actually want to admit it or not: simply because it is new.

You people are all idiots! Friedman, however, is enlightened. See, your uninformed positive outlook on the next iPhone merely shows how much of a sheep you are. Only an uninformed negative reaction is valid.

What's Friedman’s pre-beef with the next iPhone?

It boils down to the old expression, Fool me once, shame on you—fool me twice, shame on me.

Turns out Friedman’s entire complaint is that he feels like Siri doesn’t work like it’s advertised. And that’s a fair point. You can say it’s still in beta and you can say the ads have disclaimers but Siri is disappointing. If it’s still a beta because Apple recognizes it’s not quite there yet, then Apple shouldn’t be making it the centerpiece of iPhone advertising.

Note that he doesn’t say the iPhone 4S is a bad phone, his sole grouse is about Siri and he uses that to justify his contention that buyers of the next iPhone are just buying it because it’s new. Forget the utility of possible features like LTE or a larger screen. You’re just a bunch of rubes.

It’ll be no surprise that Business Insider’s Henry Blodget also wants to get his kicks in at the next iPhone.

“I Just Played With Samsung's Amazing Galaxy S III And Now I’m Even More Annoyed By My iPhone 5” (no link, you know the drill)

I was all set to buy my iPhone 5 last year, when everyone expected the iPhone 5 to be released. But then Apple went and released a modest upgrade to the iPhone 4...

Despite his complaints that the next iPhone won’t have a screen the size the size of the deck of a bateau mouche like Samsung’s do and that the power connector might be different, Blodget says he’s still going to get one.

But he’s verrry upset about it!

But still buying one.

Under protest, mind you!

Why the passive-aggressive whining?

Because if I’m going to finally shell out another $200 for a new phone, it would be nice to be buying the best one on the market.

Wait, why exactly are buying an iPhone if you don’t think it’s the best phone on the market? That’s not on Apple, that’s on you. Why don’t you sort out your personal masochism issues before you sit down to write another piece about the iPhone?

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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