The Macalope Daily: Downtown Dullsville

[Editor’s Note: The Macalope Daily is an exclusive benefit for our Macworld Insider members, but is being made available to all Macworld readers for a limited time. To learn more about this and other features, visit our Macworld Insider information page.]

Oh, what to talk about today?

The Macalope could talk about the latest self-involved claptrap to come spilling from the mouth of Dan Lyons (“Have I mentioned that I had a very popular blog once?!”), who believes that because he parodied Steve Jobs he knows exactly how Apple has failed the late CEO’s legacy in the last year. Or he could take on The Register, which said the iPhone 5 undermines western democracy. Before it even came out. Because it doesn’t have a swappable battery and a memory card slot. No, they really said that, but you’re going to have to take the Macalope’s word for it, because heck if he’s going to link to that.

No, while these are both very annoying and intensely stupid pieces, the Macalope would like to focus on something else. How terribly boring the iPhone 5 is.

BOR-ING. BORING, BORING, BORING.

Just ask these guys.

Like CNet’s Roger Cheng. His reaction?

“Ho-hum. The iPhone 5 isn’t going to wow anyone”

Now, the Macalope has no way to prove this, but before he read the piece he said to a friend “Twenty bucks says there’s a ‘Don’t get me wrong, Apple will sell a lot to the fanboys’ in there.” Let’s see if there is!

Today’s Apple event finally brought to light a redesigned iPhone 5—the first significant change after more than two years.

Totally! If the case is the same, same phone, right?! There’s no way you can disprove that, Apple nerds!

But the latest installment warranted polite applause rather than enthusiastic cheering.

Only because most of this information had been leaked beforehand. If no one had seen the iPhone 5 beforehand, plotz city. That’s the one takeaway from this for Tim Cook.

Yes, the iPhone features a new look, but it’s really only slightly elongated and a bit thinner than the previous version.

All Cheng knows is what he sees.

Is this technology analysis or the red carpet at the Oscars?

My colleague Stephen Shankland wrote earlier this week that the smartphone industry has entered the “ho-hum” era for the business, with precious few revolutionary advancements from any players. Apple is caught in the same dilemma.

Yeah, that 28-percent growth in what is for Apple a slow quarter is a killer.

Don’t get me wrong.

Ah!

These products all have that usual Apple flair for design, and I own some of them.

STREET CRED ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.

I expect the iPhone 5 to be a massive hit as well.

BOOM. Seriously, the Macalope could write one of these columns in his sleep. Actually, he sometimes does. It’s horrible.

Apple may have set the bar too high over the last few years.

Or, or, maybe you’re wrong in thinking that the company at any point in its history churned out groundbreaking products year after year.

Perhaps I’ll be proved wrong.

In a race between you and Apple being proved wrong, it’s not a surprise the Macalope’s going to go ahead and say, yeah, it’ll probably be you.

But right now it looks like Apple's vaunted pipeline of “magical” products is drying up.

Sure. They only unveil products that people love and buy in droves. Where’s the magic in that?

Cheng must have spent some time at the CNet water cooler with Larry Dignan.

“iPhone 5: No Steve Jobs, no sizzle”

Would Jobs have combined an iPhone 5, iPod, and iTunes revamp, which happens to resemble Microsoft’s Zune service, in one shindig?

Probably not.

It’s obviously categorically false that Jobs never delivered a keynote featuring a lot of updates but can we just stop asking “What would Steve Jobs have done?” Pundits are insistent about two things:

  1. Tim Cook must set his own course with Apple; and
  2. Tim Cook must do exactly what Steve Jobs did.

Dignan, like Cheng, wants to have his boring iPhone 5 cake and eat it, too.

And oh by the way Apple will sell a zillion iPhone 5 devices around the world.

But it’s boring.

Either people love boring phones or there are more Apple fanboys every day.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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