The Macalope Weekly: Weak sauce

So, Kass?s conclusion is that it?s arrogance that drives Apple?s decision to add features on its own terms, when they make sense, instead of jamming them into phones just to check them off on a list. Don?t wait for battery life to catch up to screen sizes, just stop shipping Retina displays or make a giant honking phone!

Ohhh, you mean there?s a trade-off and this isn?t a free, all-you-can-eat candy store?

Also, if you believe the current Apple form factor is the best answer and Apple won?t or can?t do a larger-screen device (and will stick to one phone at a time for cost reasons), what is the next iPhone going to have that will really matter and get customers excited to buy it and help the company gain additional share?

Is gaining share Apple?s goal? Seems like its goal is to make a crapload of money.

Is the bulk of the innovation done? And, yes, I know it?s easy to say that Apple always thinks of something new, but the reality is that the last few iterations of iPhone have been evolutionary and not revolutionary?and, arguably, they now lag the market.

You could always argue they lagged behind the market. People have been doing that for five years. The first iPhone only had EDGE! It didn?t have a replaceable battery! Total deal killer!

It?s astounding how some analysts will simply cling to this checkbox mentality no matter how many times we point out that Apple doesn?t operate that way. And the company doesn?t seem any worse for not trying to get into a stupid arms race.

Another issue I would raise is how unfriendly Apple?s suppliers have been to their employees.

Of course you would. After all, trying to throw everything against the wall to see what sticks is your shtick.

Suppose a Wal-Mart supplier was accused of these conditions.

Suppose the company that locked its own workers into stores overnight was accused of having suppliers that mistreated employees? Gosh, what would the ramifications be?!

In my opinion, Apple is hypocritical?the company is every bit the abusive monopolist that it once accused Microsoft MSFT of being?

That link is to James B. Stewart?s hi-larious piece warning that Mapgate could raise antitrust concerns, a piece that Glenn Fleishman ? sorry, that?s Jeopardy-winner Glenn Fleishman ? deftly disassembled when it was published.

Hang on, though. Kass isn?t done with his ridiculous rant. Turns out you?re part of the problem, too:

And Apple?s customers are also hypocritical by continuing to buy Apple?s products and thereby supporting this abusive behavior.

Right. We should totally be buying stuff from companies that aren?t so arrogant as to ship phones with 4-inch screens in a 16:9 aspect ratio and whose suppliers are all located in the worker?s paradise known as Magical Fairy Candycaneland.

This is simply not a logical argument. Stupid, deranged, and/or pushing an ulterior motive, the Macalope does not know, but whatever the case, it doesn?t make a great advertisement for investing in Kass?s hedge fund.

Saturday Special: Good luck with that

Good news, Windows Phone fans!

What? Oh. Fan. Sorry, the Macalope got a little carried away.

But good news, uh, Roger! Nokia CEO and Microsoft plant Stephen Elop says Windows Phone?s ascendance is set to happen any day now!

Like ? RIGHT NOW!

?

No?

What about ? NOW!

?

Still nothing?

So, when exactly is this supposed to happen?

?Nokia boss: `Surface phone? and Apple-Android fears will kick-start Windows Phone.?

Ah, the ol? ?carriers will just shove Windows Phones in people?s pockets and push them out the door? strategy!

But we?ve seen this picture. Back in April, one of the Cassandras of Wall Street huffed some fumes in the cave where they commune with the flighty and vengeful gods that control the stock market and declared that APPLE WAS DOOOMED because carriers were going to turn to Windows Phone in 2012.

How?s that working out so far?

?Nokia Lumia sales fall 28 percent in Q3 to 2.9 million, North American sales cut in half.?

Oops. And, let the Macalope get this straight, Elop welcomes Microsoft shipping its own phone?

Nokia CEO Stephen Elop reckons carriers? fears over the Android and Apple duopoly will force the birth of the Windows Phone ecosystem that he?s bet the Finnish company?s future on?an ecosystem he believes would benefit from Microsoft?s presence.

Do Steve Ballmer and Andrew Lees ever argue over who gets to work Elop?s mouth and who gets to move his hands?

Elop said operators had made decisions to combat rivals? ?hit products? in the past and will be able to do so again once Nokia ships its Lumia 820 and flagship Lumia 920.

This time it?ll work for sure!

?I think [a Microsoft smartphone would be] certainly a stimulant to the ecosystem.?

Oh, jeez. Microsoft, just buy Nokia already and put the poor guy out of his misery. It?s like watching a cat play with a baby bird.

Look, the Macalope likes Windows Phone. If he couldn?t have an iPhone (shudder), he?d get a Windows Phone which, he doesn?t mind telling you, is really weird to him. But there it is. So he doesn?t get why it?s not resonating with people.

But it?s not resonating with people. Of course, Elop?s saying what he has to say, but that doesn?t make it less pathetic.

[Editors? Note: Each week the Macalope skewers the worst of the week?s coverage of Apple and other technology companies. In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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