The Macalope Daily: Lazy Pundits and the Temple of Doom

Macalope

Some people collect Hummels, some people collect snow globes. The Macalope collects hi-larious arguments about how Apple’s a religion.

Oh, they may not sit as pretty on a mantle, but they do have the advantage of being free.

Which, admittedly, is still more than they’re worth.

The trite and lazy pieces have apparently reached their ultimate conclusion. One needs no longer include any “analysis” or “insight,” one simply has to regurgitate banal religious metaphors until the reader regurgitates their lunch.

At least that seems to be the tack taken by Roger Tagholm of Scotland’s The Herald in writing “The temple of Apple.”

GET IT? IT’S A RELIGION.

It’s all “BALI CHADHOGE, BALI MANGTI KALI MA, MUKTI DEGI KALI MA!” and then Tim Cook rips out a human heart. But, hey, new hardware!

AND lo, once again they will come, filing like acolytes into the California Theatre in San Jose, heads bowed, the tell-tale white cords of their faith hanging like tefillin from their ears, some even wrapping the thin wires around their arms further to prove their devotion, others wearing the jet black polo neck surplice of the higher orders, all of them reverently gathering to hear more from the Book of Jobs even if the Be-Jeaned One Himself is no longer existent in this earthy realm having taken Himself to the Cloud and appointed one Tim Cook as his successor.

That’s the lede.

So, we’re 100 words in and we’ve learned, what? Maybe you can divine from that that there’s going to be an Apple event.

Oh, and Apple’s just like a religion!

Informative.

Yes, tomorrow Apple hosts another one of its “events”…

By the quotes the Macalope infers Tagholm finds the appellation “event” to be objectionable. Presumably he would prefer “ritual” or “human sacrifice.”

…at its favourite cathedral-like theatre near San Francisco. It sent out teaser invites saying “what do you mean we’re a money-making cult with a walled-garden approa …”. Sorry, the invites actually say: “We’ve got a little more to show you.”

It is so disappointing when companies in a capitalist society make money, isn’t it? For shame, Apple. For shame.

Holding their iPhones aloft with one voice the congregation will intone: “I pledge allegiance to IOS and to the Blessed MacBook product line, peace be upon its high retina screens -”

Aaaand there goes everyone’s lunch.

Then they will intone the 10 iCommandments: “Thou shalt have no other iPods before me”; “Thou shalt not covet thy Neighbour’s Non-Apple products”; “Thou shalt worship no other company other than The Company”; “Thou shalt not make any graven images, particularly if they are Samsung”; and the most important one of all: “Thou shalt not commit Android.”

That’s only five. Seriously, you couldn’t even be bothered to come up with ten? Not that the Macalope’s complaining.

Out by the Grand Canyon there’s a group of polo-necked devotees, peering into their iPhone 5 screens and scratching their heads. “It says the Golden Gate Bridge should be here. Are you sure these maps are right?”

LOL.

The Macalope looks forward to the post-event coverage by the Apple = religion crowd, which, if this devolution continues, will likely consist of a series of grunts and some bone-tossing.

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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