The Macalope Weekly: CEO chatter

Saturday Special: Get over yourself

Another week, another pompous ?Dear John? letter to Apple. The Macalope wouldn?t pay any attention to them but they?re so funny ?

This week it?s Ed Conway writing ?DEAR APPLE: I?m Leaving You? (Business Insider, so no link but tip o? the antlers to Harry Marks).

Dear Tim,

DO YOU LIKE ME? CHECK YES OR NO. I DO NOT LIKE YOU.

Seriously, are you thirteen years old? Do you even hear yourself?

There?s no easy way to put this so I?ll just come right out with it.

I?m addicted to cough syrup.

I?m leaving you. It?s been great (mostly) but it?s over.

Tim Cook:

?Dear Ed: Drive safe. Don?t let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.?

I figured the least I could do is to explain my decision in full?

No! Not at all! The least you could do is just go away quietly. Instead you wrote over 2400 words about your feelings.

Not that Apple gives a rip, but this just reveals what kind of self-centered nit Conway is. If this were a real break-up letter, it would be the worst break-up letter in the history of the world. No one who?s getting dumped wants to be forced to hear about your feelings. Here, let the Macalope show you the longest break-up letter anyone should ever write:

Dear [person I am breaking up with]: I am breaking up with you to go out with someone who has better body parts. There is no hope of us getting back together. I?m not sorry. Goodbye.

Instead we get this.

I?ve been with you, with Apple I mean, for 13 years now ? ever since 1999. Perhaps you?ve forgotten: I was a spotty teenager?

That?s a surprise.

?I bought one of your cute little translucent iBooks. Slowly but surely I painted most parts of my technological life a bright shade of Apple. Let?s see: I?ve owned two iMacs, a number of iBooks?

Snnnnnnnnnnzzzzzzzzzz?

I?ll admit I became dependent on you ? clingy, even.

This much we can agree on.

I never thought I would utter these words, but here goes: I?m leaving you.

YOU ALREADY SAID THIS. IT?S IN THE TITLE AND THE LEDE. IS BUSINESS INSIDER PAYING YOU BY THE WORD?

Finally, we get to Conway?s list of reasons. First, he doesn?t like iOS 6. Fine. Personally, the Macalope loves it, but that?s his prerogative. But this?

This is going to sound awful, but I can?t think of any big product you?ve re-imagined well since the iPad, and that was almost three years ago.

His solution? Moving to Samsung.

Please, Ed, name one market Samsung has reinvented, like ever.

That isn?t ?tungsten.?

3. You?re not cool anymore

?

The fact is that Apple used to be edgy; it used to be associated with the counterculture; it used to be rebellious. I liked that.

The Macalope will ask again, are you, in fact, thirteen years old?

Do you want to know the beginning of the end of our relationship? It was when you decided to include an SD slot in your MacBooks.

[The Macalope merely stares dumbfounded at the screen of his MacBook Air (which, coincidentally, does not have an SD card), unable to form words, his brain attempting to crawl out of his furry ears in an effort to escape the dumb.]

?the final straw was when you decided to replace the dock on the bottom of all your iPhones and iPads with the new ?lightening dock?.

Good God, are you still here? JUST GO, ALREADY.

Perhaps the problem is you?re not the same person any more. You?re not Steve. Perhaps.

So, Conway is leaving Tim because he?s not Steve and instead running into the arms of Kun-Hee? That?s like breaking up with Ben Affleck because he?s not Matt Damon and then dating a Matt Damon impersonator instead.

Either way, I?m tired of settling for mediocrity from you these days.

Uh-huh. Well, good luck with your new beau, even if all its edgy, original ideas revolve around how best to copy Apple this year. The Macalope is sure you?ll be happy and this isn?t just another in a long line of poor personal choices that will leave you wondering why you?re never happy.

[eye roll]

[Editors? Note: Each week the Macalope skewers the worst of the week?s coverage of Apple and other technology companies. In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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