The Macalope Daily: Peak crazy

If it seems like the horny one is spending a lot of time chewing up and spitting out Forbes columns recently, it’s because it’s all part of his new year’s resolution to get in better shape. You should see the size of his masseter muscle right now. It’s huge. There’s a lot to chew on in your average Forbes column about Apple, much of it a tough, reedy substance like raw bamboo.

Richard Saintvillus tells us “Why Apple Should Hang-up On The iPhone, iWear Is Next” (tip o’ the antlers to Brad Skidmore).

And that “hang-up” is not the act of Forbes’s ace title-writing staff. Read on … if you dare.

Aside from some end-of-year tax selling and concerns regarding the fiscal cliff, shares of Apple took a brutal beating towards the end of 2012. The reason – there is a broad belief that the company no longer knows how to innovate.

Amongst Forbes contributors.

The company’s 6-month refresh cycle and avalanche of products seems to have backfired – allowing rivals such as Google and Samsung to steal market share.

Whoa! Second graf and we’re already into “just making things up” territory! Sadly, that’s not a record. Back here on planet Earth, Android does continue to gain market share, but it’s not gaining it from Apple. And Apple’s refreshes have done quite nicely, thank you very much.

Consequently, Apple now finds itself in an unfamiliar territory – having to prove itself.

To Forbes contributors. Which it does not care about doing.

And just in case you had any fantasies about there being any editorial process at Forbes beyond “all the link bait that’s fit to print”:

However, for the company to truly move forward as a tech power, Apple should hang-up on the iPhone after one more iteration – presumably the iPhone 6.

Man. Eight days into 2013 and we may already have the dumbest thing written about Apple all year. Guys like Rob Enderle and John Dvorak are going to have to up their games if they want to keep up with Saintvillus.

You might disagree.

“You might think it odd that I suggest Apple get out of its biggest business, a business that’s larger than all of Microsoft …”

You might also be banging your antlers against your desk.

Granted, the phone is still selling well. However, aside from a different chip and larger screen, the change from the 4S to iPhone 5 was not that significant.

Have thee no lasers, Apple? Where are thine unicorns and antigravity rays? Alas … alas …

Also, what can Apple add to the iPhone 6 or “5S” that would be appreciably better than the current version?

LITERALLY NOTHING.

Besides, where will it lead – to the iPhone 10? And then what?

A downward spiral, fueled by booze, loveless sex, and an addiction to pills, that’s what!

Instead, Apple needs to focus on its TV ambitions, which I’ve said should include the Facebook “like” button.

The Macalope will save Apple the trouble.

Downton Abbey? LIKE.

Homeland? LIKE.

Glee? LIKE.

Uh, I mean UNLIKE! The Macalope meant “UNLIKE.”

It is possible that someone could dream up a feature that the Macalope wants less, but it would be pretty hard.

The company should start focusing on ways to dominate the smarthome and the smartcar …

The smartduck and the smartorange. Maybe even … smartspatulas. Do we dare to dream so big?

The smartphone market has become too saturated …

Partly with Apple products!

… especially with Research In Motion’s resurgence …

Buhhhhhh?! Is this man actually from some other reality?! We may have to consider this possibility.

Also, for quite some time, the company has hinted on wearable technology. “It’s time” for the iWatch or its iWear line of devices.

WHY IS THAT IN QUOTES? NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE ANYMORE!

And the company will finally be able to put to rest that other annoying question – can it still innovate?

A question that’s been plaguing the company since Forbes contributors started asking it a few months ago.

Hey, look, the Macalope has no doubt that Apple is working on something or things that will enable it to move on from the iPhone—a next big thing, if you will. But you don’t just jump off your pony when you’re in the lead and coming around the stretch in the Smartphone Profit Sweepstakes. Apple rode the iPod all the way to the finish line, and it’ll do the same with the iPhone.

Because it has more brains than a sack full of Forbes contributors.

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