The Macalope: Pre-panned for your convenience

In all the Macalope’s years of following Apple coverage, one thing has remained true: Apple products are still the most reviewed before anyone has ever seen them.

Witness, if you will (or can bear to), Christopher Mims’s latest unseen review at Quartz.

“If Apple’s iWatch ever comes, most people are probably going to hate it” (tip o’ the antlers to Rajesh).

Well, that’s pretty good, Chris, but the all-time best is still Michael Scalisi’s “Rumored Apple Tablet Is a Train Wreck” from 2009. Keep trying, though! (No, do not under any circumstances “keep trying.”)

Mims, having previously told us that iPhones aren’t cool, is now apparently working his way forward in time to tell us how future Apple products suck. The Macalope looks forward to his review of the one-pixel thin Apple MacBook Touch next week. (The Macalope does not actually look forward to this.)

Everyone is worked up about a potential iWatch.

UGH GOD PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID BEING EXCITED ABOUT THE FUTURE.

Judging by the so-so reception for the Pebble Smartwatch, probably the best of breed in this category right now, making a smart watch is an extremely difficult thing.

And Apple’s never done anything difficult before so [table flip].

It has to be small, which means a harsh tradeoff between display quality and battery life; the Pebble and its ilk have dull black-and-white LCD or e-ink screens.

That’s the only way Apple could do it! Because its research & development and resources are just like those of some dudes on Kickstarter!

And whatever form it takes, it will probably, at least at first, be used chiefly as a second screen for the smartphone in your pocket or bag …

Probably. Unless it’s not. But the important thing is, most people will probably hate it.

… to which it will tether wirelessly. Most people are going to wonder if that’s worth spending money on.

This is quite a trick Mims is pulling here. He’s making the people who said “The iPad is just a big iPod touch! No one will buy one!” look good for at least waiting until the product was revealed.

Apple, meanwhile, will slowly iterate on the iWatch until wearing a smart watch is as natural as carrying a smartphone.

Wait, will people still hate it then? Because if not then we’ve come a long way from the headline.

For some reason, pundits never tire of reviewing things they’ve never seen. They did it with the iPhones, they did it with the iPad, and now they’re doing it with the mythical iWatch. Just because they lack imagination and vision, however, doesn’t mean Apple does.

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