The Macalope: Reality-challenged

Writing for the Washington Times, Derek Crockett poses the interesting question, “What is happening to Apple in parallel universes?”

Wait, that’s not the question he’s posing?

Then is this performance art? Because …

“Once a top innovator, Apple might be on the decline” (tip o’ the antlers to the Jony Ive parody account on Twitter).

Although it is still considered the comparative standard bearer, and the phone to beat; the iPhone 5 has fallen from its lofty position, and the Galaxy S4, Samsung’s new flagship smartphone, seems poised to conquer the mobile market.

Before we go on with this interesting piece of fan fiction, let us review reality. Because back here in what we in this universe consider the primary space-time continuum, Apple sold 5 million iPhone 5s in three days. It took Samsung almost four weeks to ship 10 million Galaxy S4s. So, not so much.

Other Apple products are also threatened. Apple’s perennial best seller, the iPad, a tablet that was once so popular that the word “iPad” itself almost became synonymous with the word “tablet”, has as of late lost its edge.

Now, you might think that Crockett is going to point out that some recent market-share estimates say that the iPad has been overtaken by an assortment of Android-based Moes, Larrys, and Curleys. Well, hold on to your knickers, Gwendolyn:

Usurped by the more innovative and computer-like Surface line of tablets from Microsoft …

Buhhhhh?! Are we talking about the same Surface? The Surface that sold only 900,000 units in the first quarter? That Surface? Is there some other Microsoft Surface out there that the Macalope isn’t aware of? (No, not the giant table-sized one.)

…and sales of Apple’s own iPad Mini, the clout of Apple’s perennial powerhouse, has been significantly diminished.

Wait, wait … what?

Let’s run back through that again, because the Macalope feels like he just swallowed a bug. The iPad has lost its edge because Microsoft still can’t sell tablets in volume after trying for 12 years, and also because of the iPad.

There are only so many nonsensical exclamations of disbelief that Macworld allows the Macalope to use in any given article and he’s already used “buh?” so … doy?

According to Ming-Chi Kuo, a highly regarded analyst at KGI Securities, when Q2 numbers are released, Apple, for the first time ever, might be looking at a year-over-year decline in iPad shipments.

Crockett neglects to mention that last year Apple introduced the third-generation iPad during the second quarter.

That Apple, in lieu of innovation, has turned to litigation, should come as no surprise. The Cupertino Company has not offered anything more than what have essentially amounted to updates to its core mobile products, in several years.

Unlike Samsung.

Um …

Look! New episodes of Arrested Development!

But the demise of a large company is subtle.

Demise. He wrote that. It’s apparently a thing you can write about Apple without somehow bursting into flames of ridiculousness.

Although it would be frivolous at this point to count Apple out …

YOU JUST SAID “DEMISE.”

… upon close inspection, the cracks are beginning to show.

Upon close inspection. The kind of close inspection that only Apple’s perennial detractors seem capable of doing. People who often work for Apple competitors like Samsung. Which Crockett has (tip o’ the antlers to @haggersnash).

Sur. Prise.

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