The Macalope: Summer drama

There’s still a few months until we hit the point where Tim Cook said Apple would be shipping new products, so Pundit Pictures says why not beat the heat this summer and catch the stunning drama of a down-on-his-luck CEO (of the largest and most successful technology company in the world) who’s got one last chance to make it! Will he throw it all away … or go for the gold?!

Yes, it’s Tim Cook in … Cupertino Gold!

Ugh, that’s not good. How about …

The Innovator’s Dilemma!

Probably copyrighted.

A Time To Thrill!

Too derivative.

Step Up 5: Innovate!

Oookay, well, you get the idea.

Yes, it’s fourth-and-goal with just seconds on the clock and Tim Cook is wondering “Wouldn’t a baseball analogy be more appropriate here? It’s the Fourth of July, for crying out loud.”

Quiet, you! Just because you run a highly profitable technology company doesn’t mean you can dictate what people write about you!

Apparently.

“Apple again seen losing steam, new products needed desperately.”

That would be Zach “OMG, YOU GUYS, WINDOWS 8 IS SO SUPER-AWESOME!” Epstein reporting for The Boy Genius Report on the fact that Oppenheimer analyst Ittai Kidron cut his third-quarter estimate for Apple.

The situation is so desperate that Apple is at risk of no longer taking home two-thirds of the profit in the smartphone market. It’ll be more like six-tenths.

But Epstein’s not the only one trying to get you to go to this summer blockbuster.

Writing for The Register, Rik Myslewski says “Apple ‘iWatch’ trademark filing hints Cook’s make-or-break moment looms” (tip o’ the antlers to Todd Wells).

Because surely if this unannounced product fails, Cook will be utterly broken.

One thing, however, is inarguable.

NOT ARGUABLE. CANNOT BE ARGUED.

Should Apple release an iWatch – even if only in gadget-happy Japan as a test market – it had better be a runaway hit.

Or … what?

… the long knives of the haters are gleefully being honed to a razor’s edge.

Or Apple haters are going to be mean to Apple?! OH, GOD.

So, it’ll be … like a Tuesday. Or a Thursday. Or any other day of the week.

Your move, Mr. Cook. … Whatever it is, it had better be good – for your own career’s sake, especially.

Tim Cook is doing sit-ups as Louis Gossett Jr. verbally abuses him.

Gossett: “You’re out!”

Cook: “Don’t you do it! Don’t you… I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!

The question that this scene leaves hanging—and which challenges our suspension of disbelief—is “Who exactly would replace Cook and do a better job?”

Nobody wants to write that part.

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