The Macalope Weekly: Much ado about nothing

It was a crazy week, as Apple opinions were made from the most trivial of things. First, two tweets from a very rich guy send Apple’s stock price up past $500. Then get ready for some drama as the iPhone 5 is revealed to have a different connector than previous iPhones! Again! Finally, do you like fantasy stories? Because this last one is so fantastical, it should have orcs.

The Icahns have it

Somebody get a banjo because it’s time for another edition of …

DUELING RICH GUYS!

OK, this is actually the first episode of Dueling Rich Guys. Previously we had Dueling Pundits. But what is a rich guy if not a very successful pundit? Well, probably someone who’s made something of themselves, that’s what. So, major difference between pundits and rich guys there.

Whatever the case, we’ve got two rich guys, so LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

Everyone put on your protective headgear. You remember what happened last time we rumbled. Gordy can still only walk in circles and food just falls out the left side of Dravis’s mouth.

OK! Larry Ellison, you’re first!

“Oracle CEO Larry Ellison says Apple is doomed without Steve Jobs.”

And he’s the nation’s most successful Larry!

“We saw Apple with Steve Jobs,” says Ellison as he arcs his finger high into the air.

“We saw Apple without Steve Jobs,” Ellison continues, lowering the finger.

“We saw Apple with Steve Jobs,” he says, raising the finger again.

“Now, we’re gonna see Apple without Steve Jobs,” he says, keeping the finger in the air for a few beats before dropping it again.

Well, you can’t argue with Larry’s finger. Also, you should never pull Larry’s finger. Trust the Macalope on this one.

Let’s now turn to our other rich guy, Carl Icahn, who seemingly says to Ellison, “Megalomaniacal CEO of a developer sweatshop, please.”

“Carl Icahn Makes a Large Investment in Apple.”

Icahn single-handedly sent Apple’s stock up about 30 points this week. Assuming, that is, that he types on Twitter with just one hand.

We currently have a large position in APPLE. We believe the company to be extremely undervalued. Spoke to Tim Cook today. More to come.

So, it seems Wall Street, at least, takes Icahn’s word more seriously than Ellison’s. Possibly because he has a real beard. Seriously, what is the deal with Ellison’s beard? Did he get it on layaway and the rest of the beard arrives later? You’d think a guy with his kind of money could just buy himself a whole beard.

Are you still talking about that?

Have you ever written for ZDNet? If not, you totally should cut yourself off a slice of that action because they’ll apparently let you write about any ol’ thing.

Like this piece by Ken Hess.

“iPhone 5 lightning strikes twice: I want my iPhone 4 back, please.”

Turns out, true story, Apple changed the connector on the iPhone 5. No, really, you can look it up. The connector on previous iPhones was different. It’s Connectorgate.

In my June 11 post, “I got an iPhone 5, am iOS7 ready, and am irritated,” …

Gosh, how did the Macalope miss that opus?

Yes, I know there’s been a lot of articles and angst over the new lightning interface but I’m going to add a little more fuel to that well-stoked fire.

Uh, thanks?

No, that’s not it. Please, for the love of God, stop? That’s closer.

What follows is an almost 900-word rant on how excruciatingly unfair it is that Apple didn’t ship an adapter with the iPhone 5.

I’m angry about this and I just want my iPhone 4 back.

So, what’s stopping you? If you were so heavily invested in dock connectors, why did you switch to the iPhone 5 in the first place? Is someone holding a gun to your head? Is it safe for you to talk?

Primally scream once for “safe” or twice for “not safe.”

I should have listened to my oldest son who wanted and got a Microsoft Surface.

A Surface. Really. The Surface with the proprietary, not used on any other device power adapter. That’s what you should have gotten instead. That would have been a little awkward when trying to make phone calls. Or putting it in your pocket.

It would be really nice if Apple could just use USB like everyone else.

Totally! Wait, which USB? Mini-A? Mini-B? Or maybe it’s Micro-A? Or possibly Micro-B? Perhaps you’d like to tour your house and do an adapter headcount before you answer. Whichever one you have more peripherals for, yes, it’s a crime Apple didn’t pick that particular one.

The Macalope has several devices that use a variety of those little USB connectors and he’d gladly pay for some electronic polyjuice potion that would turn them all into Lightning connectors, simply for the ability to put the plug in either way.

Look, technology marches ever forward and Apple marches to the beat of its own drummer. If that’s news to you, one wonders how you got into the business of writing about technology.

Oh, right, ZDNet. Duh.

Apple blows it again

CNBC’s Alex Rosenberg has some bad news, you guys: Apple may have waited too long to buy Twitter.

“Apple may have missed out on buying Twitter”

Well, there goes Apple’s chance to … uh, spend a ton of money on a vanity purchase that doesn’t offer any strategic value to its business model?

Apple shares got a boost this week, after Carl Icahn revealed on Twitter that he had initiated “a large position” in the stock.

They sure did!

Now, hold onto your underwear, because we’re about to do some parkour-level leaping of logic!

So given the power and reach of the social network, should Apple just go ahead and buy Twitter?

OW, MY HIP.

How. What. Who. Buh. Doy? Because someone said something nice about Apple on Twitter, it should buy the medium?

“Apple hasn’t been able to do anything in social, and what Twitter does is put them in a scenario where they can start disseminating information—because that’s really what Facebook’s business is, and Google’s” said Dan Nathan of RiskReversal.com.

You know, Dan Nathan of RiskReversal.com.

C’mon. Dan. RiskReversal.com.

(NO, THE MACALOPE DOESN’T KNOW WHO HE IS EITHER. JUST KEEP NODDING AND SLOWLY MOVE TOWARD THE DOOR.)

“It would be a huge departure from Apple’s history, but I think it makes a lot of sense.”

Wow, then you are just full of crazy crackers, Dan. That may be what Facebook’s business is and that may be part of what Google’s business is, but it’s not what Apple’s business is.

“There’s a lot of things they could do with Twitter,” said Nathan, a contributor to CNBC’s “Options Action.”

Yeah! For starters, burn through probably $15 billion like it was dry leaves!

You know, not to seem cynical (LOL), but this is starting to read more like an ad for “Options Action” than anything else. Come watch the crazy man spew wacky technology-acquisition slashfic concepts on our show!

The problem is that the tech giant may have missed the boat.

That’s the problem? Not that the idea itself is cuckoo bananas insane?

“I definitely think Apple should buy Twitter,” Ironfire Capital Founder & Managing Partner Eric Jackson wrote to CNBC.com. “However, I think that ship has sailed. The time to buy was a year ago. Twitter will probably IPO this fall,” and “they’ll want to see that through.”

Cue someone writing about how Tim Cook should be fired for not acquiring Twitter “when he had the chance” in 5 … 4 … 3 …

Rosenberg is not new to bringing us the most bizarre of pundit fiction. Two months ago, he told us why Greencrest Capital’s Max Wolff thought Apple was “in more trouble than you think.” He quotes Wolff again, who thinks there’s no kind of bad exposure, even dumb exposure:

“The rumors and conjectures about it are good for Apple and Twitter,” Wolff told CNBC.com. “It’s not all that likely, but the conjecture is useful for both companies.”

Wall Street, where dumb ideas go to drive valuation decisions.

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