The Macalope: Thanks for the "advice"

Once again Apple has failed to impress so … let the Monday-morning quarterbacking begin!

“How Tim Cook can save himself (and Apple)” (tip o’ the antlers to Teng Monteyro).

Check that URL, too. “Tim-Cook-Apple-Advice.” Isn’t that nice? Just trying to help out.

Now, if you would, please clear your mouth of all liquids and solids before reading the piece’s subhead:

What the confused Apple CEO can do to avoid getting canned and having to slink away with nothing but his $378 million compensation package as comfort.

Yes, once again the Macalope is required by law to note that he did not make that up. Seitel really did write “confused Apple CEO.”

I’m sure Tim Cook is hugely competent, a wonderful operating executive, and a real nice guy.

But …

Oooh, boy, this piece is like a roller coaster! Hang on to your hats! And your lunch!

… as CEO of the world’s most respected high-tech franchise, he has been an unmitigated disaster.

Unmitigated! There’s no mitigating this! None at all! He’s a disaster! Oh, God, the Macalope may be having a seizure from the hilarity! He can’t stop putting exclamation marks at the end of his sentences! Someone call 911! No, seriously, HELP!

In the two years since Cook assumed the reins of Apple from iconic Steve Jobs, the new CEO has presided, shockingly, over the dismantling of Apple’s pristine reputation for innovation and the crumbling of Apple’s high-flying stock. (Full disclosure, I own the stinkin’ stock!!)

Oh, so you’re, uh, not motivated at all to be, uh, mad at Tim Cook.

Bra-vo, Fortune. Bra. Vo.

Cook’s latest catastrophe came Tuesday, when, with typically-unbridled Apple anticipation before a packed media house in Cupertino, he personally announced what was billed as “Apple’s next big thing.”

Who billed it as that? Not Apple. The invitations said “This should brighten everyone’s day. Except for a collection of serial jerks who are never happy with anything.”

The Macalope may have added that last part.

Only it wasn’t.

Regardless, if you don’t think the iPhone 5c is going to be a “big thing,” you should probably stop writing about Apple.

Please. Seriously, just stop writing about Apple.

So what has caused Apple’s fortunes to tumble?

Dimwits who don’t understand its business model?

Two words: Public relations.

So, hang on a second: Remind the Macalope who Apple’s CEO was during the stock’s run up to a share price of $700?

… with Apple’s stock back down 33% from its peak, investors are once again calling for the CEO’s scalp.

Other investors are calling for more gravy on their salads. It doesn’t make them right.

Now it’s advice time! Yay! Oh, Tim Cook must be just beside himself with joy at how the company will be right as rain again once he just implements Seitel’s killer advice!

Take your “image” seriously.

Your “image”! Wink-wink! (Wait, what?)

So Cook, unlike Jobs, has to pay attention to what’s being said about Apple in the market, and he should work to “influence” the conversation …

You know … “influence.” Like, maybe Dan Lyons suddenly has to get out of the punditry business, ya know what I’m sayin’?

OH, MY GOD.

Seriously, though, what is with the quotation marks?

Meet the media.

Headline the next day: “DESPERATE TIM COOK MEETS WITH MEDIA.”

Buy a blazer.

Buy. A. Blazer. Boom. That advice is so awesome that it needs no comment.

And that’s it! That is the extent of Seitel’s “advice.” See, there you need quotes, preferably ones that have been marinated overnight in irony.

You know, the Macalope takes back that crack about Seitel owning the stock. Because if he really cared about it going up, he hasn’t demonstrated that.

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