The Macalope: Disappointment city

Population: iPhones.

Yes, the Motley Fool’s Sam Mattera says “Apple’s Latest iPhones Could Be the Most Disappointing in the Company’s History” (no link for reasons that will become obvious, but tip o’ the antlers to Brad Skidmore).

Even more disappointing than the 4GB original iPhone? The plastic 3G that only came with 3G? The 3GS that just came with an ‘S’? The iPhone 4 with the antenna that, uh, what was it? Killed some people or something? What about the iPhone 4s, which only had Siri and absolutely nothing else and Siri didn’t even work and Apple canceled it or something?

After Apple debuted its two new iPhones last month (the 5s and 5c) shares sold off.

Which is very disturbing because a sell-off after an Apple keynote has never happened before.

Evidently, investors didn’t have much faith in Apple’s new devices …

Surely, that is the only way to interpret this.

Allow the Macalope to remind his lovely and talented readers that The Motley Fool is purportedly an investment site. That is to say, people are supposed to read it for news and analysis on investing.

… and now it’s looking increasingly likely that they’re right.

Watch now as Mattera rubs two data points together and creates a raging fire of dumb.

Apple’s cheaper model, the iPhone 5c, appears to be selling worse than the company had anticipated …

This may be true, although only Apple knows how many it really expected to sell. But one thing that is not true is that the iPhone 5s is selling like anything other than the proverbial cakes that are hot.

So, how is Mattera going to spin that?

… while the iPhone 5s is having stability issues.

Excuse the horny one as he prints this passage out and files it under “How I know you’re trying too hard.” So, that’s why there’s no link.

With Apple whiffing on its latest devices …

What is the sound of 9 million phones whiffing? (It sounds like a cash register.)

… it strengthens the case for handset makers that use Google’s Android, including Samsung.

Everything strengthens Google and Android. Even the things that weaken them.

Although Apple has about 40% of the US smartphone market, it’s getting obliterated in countries with developing economies, particularly in China, where Google’s Android is dominant.

And what do we know about market share, kids? It’s the only thing that matters.

It’s probably not surprising that Mattera would write a reality-denying piece about how poorly the new iPhones are doing, having written a story way back in June predicting they would fail. Reason? Everyone wants big phones. The iPhone is the single most popular phone on the planet, but what everyone wants is big phones. Just ask a pundit.

Even in the US, where carrier subsidies are the norm, Apple’s iPhone 5c may be too expensive. Retailers, including Best Buy and Wal-Mart, have already cut the carrier-supported price to $49 …

Certainly that couldn’t have anything to do with them just trying to get people in the store. Seriously, is there an adult at the Motley Fool we can talk to?

Analytics firm Crittercism claims that, according to its data, apps running on the iPhone 5s crash twice as often compared to earlier models.

So, a third party claims to show that there are “twice as many” crashes on the iPhones 5s than other iPhones. The Macalope will just make two points here. First, two times one is still just two. Second, it’s remarkable how many times a company he’s never heard of before comes out with some startling negative fact about Apple. Now—guess what!—he’s heard of them.

The Motley Fool tries to pass off these loose connections of near-facts pointing to dubious conclusions as “contrarian analysis.” But there’s a difference between being “contrarian” and being “dumb.” You can talk about the problems Apple faces without the “WORST IPHONES EVAH” hyperbole.

Of course, that probably doesn’t generate as many page views so, well, here we are.

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