The Macalope: In nomine dumb

You guys. You guys. You guuuuuuuuuuuuys.

Guess what Apple is.

Go on. You’ll never believe—whoops, you got it. It’s a religion.

Yes, once again someone puts forth an argument that has never been brought to the forefront of our collective consciousness with such care and rigor! Alternatively, The Guardian’s John Naughton just mugged a TV evangelist for all his platitudes and is trying to fence them via this article.

“The church of Apple tests the faith of its flock” (tip o’ the antlers to Shawn King).

The caption to a picture of the New York Apple Store reads:

Come all ye faithful: the Apple Store in New York.

Because … you know …

Is it too early to start drinking?

Someone once said that one of the advantages of religion is that it offers security in return for obedience.

Someone else once said that one of the advantages of employing lazy old tropes is that you can write a column in about fifteen minutes!

Poor Steve has gone to the great computer lab in the sky …

Nice.

… but the church he founded endures.

Populated by all those craaaaaazy Apple fanatics! Doink-doink, wocka-wocka, slide whistle, seltzer bottle.

Just a reminder, something like 50 million people buy iPhones every quarter. It’s a little too mainstream to consider some kooky cult.

And lo! It came to pass …

That even an ungulate like the Macalope found that one can throw up in one’s mouth too many times.

Apple is like the Vatican in that it finds it very difficult to admit that it has screwed up.

As opposed to all those other companies, countries, and large institutions that rush to admit their flaws.

(Just think of how it bungled the aftermath of the Maps fiasco.)

Could you have picked a worse example?

Is there a point amidst this claptrap, you might ask? Turns out Naughton’s particular beef is with Mavericks.

For members of the Apple communion, [the message that an operating system upgrade is available] has much the same status as a text from the Vatican would have for devout Catholics.

[The Macalope stares blankly at this screen for hours, dumbfounded by the words laid out before him.]

Turns out—horrors, hope you’re sitting down!—the new Mac versions of the iWork applications don’t have all the features of the prior versions. If only Apple had left the original applications in a folder on people’s hard drives so they could still use them, which is exactly what it did—not that Naughton thought that was worth mentioning.

From there it’s just a hop, skip, and a prostration to blind devotion to our iGod something something, no, the Macalope has no idea.

Meanwhile, every single upgrade from Windows 7 to Windows 8 went off without a hitch and all the users were completely happy and it’s only Apple that has upgrades that upset people and because it’s a religion it can get away with it.

The Macalope has said it before and he’ll say it again: If there is a religion at work here, it’s the religion of “relying on cheap platitudes about Apple.”

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