The Macalope: Thanks so very much

Macalope

[The scene is the kitchen of Tux’s house, where the platform mascots have all gathered for Thanksgiving dinner. The Macalope and the Winotaur enter, quickly pouring themselves drinks.]

MACALOPE: There is only one way we are going to make it through this dinner.

WINOTAUR: Did you see Symbian? He has not aged well.

MACALOPE: And then there’s Andy wearing a tank top!

WINOTAUR: That has got to be eating Tux up. I mean, he goes to the trouble to put on a tuxedo and his cousin shows up in a tank top. And you know how judgmental he is.

MACALOPE: You know Tux doesn’t put that on, he just … Oh, God, here comes BlackBerry.

WINOTAUR: Oh, no. Oh, no. Don’t make eye con—

BLACKBERRY: Heyyy, look who it ish! Ish my besht buddies!

MACALOPE: Ha-ha! Heh, heyyy, BlackBerry! How … how’s it going? You … you don’t look so good.

BLACKBERRY: [sobs] MY LIFE IS A WRECK! Alishia Keysh won’t even return my callsh!

WINOTAUR: Ooh, yeah. I saw that picture of her with an iPhone.

MACALOPE: NO, DON’T … oh, god.

WINOTAUR: That’s tough. I feel for you, man.

MACALOPE: Ooooooooh …

BLACKBERRY: What?! Pictures of her with a what?

MACALOPE: Dude … you just … he didn’t …

WINOTAUR: Oh, come on! How did he not know that?! BB, she was cheating on you the whole time!

BLACKBERRY: NOOO! ALISHIA! WHYYYYYY?! [Falls into the Winotaur’s arms.]

MACALOPE: I’m … I’m going to go see if they need help in the other room.

WINOTAUR: NO, DON’T LEAVE ME WITH HIM!

[The Macalope hurries into the dining room where Tux and several other mascots are setting the table.]

TUX: [To Chrome] Oh, is that what you think? Hmm. You would think that, given your limited capacities.

CHROME: …

TUX: Hellooo? Are you even online right now?

CHROME: …

TUX: Oh, there you are, Macalope. Gosh, isn’t it great having all us major operating system mascots together?

WINOTAUR: [Enters] Ha … yeaaah. Major.

[Tux pretends to ignore him. The Winotaur punches the Macalope in the arm.]

WINOTAUR: [Mouths] Jerk!

TUX: Hey, why don’t we all go around and say what we’re thankful for? That’s such a nice tradition!

[Symbian, already sitting hunched at the table, groans.]

MACALOPE: Right now the Macalope’s thankful for liquor.

TUX: Hmm. Well. That’s sad.

MACALOPE: Excuse me?

WINOTAUR: Heeeeeere we go …

TUX: Well, I just find that joke telling, is all.

MACALOPE: Really. Telling of what?

TUX: That’s just the kind of empty feeling you’re going to have with the kind of unhealthy lifestyle you lead.

MACALOPE: Uhhhhh … my what now?

TUX: Now, if you were Open, like I am …

DROID: Hey-hey! Open! Yeah! [raises glass, drinks]

TUX: Open? You think you’re Open?

DROID: Sure! Totally! The very definition of open! It’s why I’m so freakin’ popular!

MACALOPE: Heh, yeah, that’s why.

WINOTAUR: I thought it was because of all those patents of mine you’re using.

[The Macalope and the Winotaur bump hooves.]

DROID: Tux, just because I’m not orthodox like you are …

MACALOPE: Ugh, please, can we not talk about religion?! I thought we swore we weren’t going to talk about religion this year!

TUX: “Orthodox”?! What does that even mean?! THERE IS ONLY ONE KIND OF OPENISM! YOU’RE EITHER OPEN OR YOU’RE NOT!

DROID: Well, Eric Schmidt says …

MACALOPE: That space aliens walk among us?! That the government is stealing our precious bodily fluids?! That monkeys are living in his underwear?!

WINOTAUR: Ha!

DROID: Oh, real mature. But I understand, bro. No, no, I get it. My guns are probably threatening to you. My 80-percent-market-share guns! [Flexes arms.]

MACALOPE: Super threatening, Andy. Stop flexing! You’re making me sweat! [Takes $100 bill from pocket and dabs brow with it.]

WINOTAUR: Well, heh, I may not be an expert on market share—I’ve only owned the desktop market for like 20 years—but I do watch some television and if the shows Arrow and Hawaii Five-0 are any indication, the Surface and Windows Phones are quite popular, thank you very much.

MACALOPE: Uh-huh. Say, did you guys spend all of the money you make off Android patent licensing on product placement?

WINOTAUR: Wha … ?! Are you implying something?!

MACALOPE: No, the Macalope is sure that all those gratuitous shots of the interface formerly known as Metro are all natural, and not at all staged.

WINOTAUR: Exactly.

MACALOPE: Hey, speaking of money, Andy, where’s your buddy, Samsung? The guy whose car you’re always cruising around in.

DROID: Oh, it’s … uh … he said he had to eat with somebody else. Teezen. Tazen. Something like that. No big deal. We’re totally going to hang later.

MACALOPE: Uh-huh. Are you thankful for denial? Is that what you’re thankful for?

DROID: Huh?

SYMBIAN: OK, OK. Let’s just eat, OK? I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to last.

[They all sit.]

TUX: Who wants to say grace?

MACALOPE, WINOTAUR, AND SYMBIAN: No religion!

TUX: Well … all right. Let’s just have a moment of silence for those who aren’t here with us anymore. Our dear old friends.

MACALOPE: BeOS …

WINOTAUR: Amiga …

SYMBIAN: Palm …

TUX: Gone, but not forgotten. They each live on within us.

WINOTAUR: Heh, like OS/2! I’ve still got a lot of … uh … well.

[BlackBerry stumbles in from the kitchen.]

BLACKBERRY: LOSHERSH! ALL THEM WERE LOSHERSH! THATSH WHY DER NOT HERE! WE’RE HERE BECAUSH WE’RE WINNERSH! AMIRITE? YOU’RE RIGHT I’M …

[BlackBerry stumbles past the table into the living room and passes out on the couch in front of the football game. The other mascots look at each other nervously.]

SYMBIAN: Guys … when it’s my time, just put me down, OK? Don’t let me end up like that.

WINOTAUR: Deal.

[They silently begin to pass dishes.]

DROID: Yuck, is that oyster stuffing?

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