VC mojo rising

Apple falls on yet another major index. Yeah, OK, it’s an imaginary index, but still …

“VC: Apple has largely lost its ‘mojo’” (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody).

Kudos, at least, to CNet’s Chris Matyszczyk for providing a sufficiently “get a load of this guy” take on former-Facebook-executive-turned-venture-capitalist Chamath Palihapitiya’s comments.

When a VC looks at the world, he doesn’t look at it with a generosity of spirit or a loving eye.

He looks at it in terms of cold, crinkly cash.

That would be bad enough if it were true, but it’s not.

This can lead to definitive views of what the future holds. Not much cash=bad. Lots of cash=good.

So, you’d think that Palihapitiya would love Apple, right? HAHAHAHAHA.

You are so adorably naïve.

The former Facebooker, who now describes himself as “An Aspiring Merchant Of Progress,” marveled at how brilliantly Facebook was marshaling its forces.

Well, sure. No gilding one’s well-gilded lily going on there.

Google too, he said, is doing a wonderful job of unlocking (translation: owning, so that it can use it to sell ads) the world’s information.

Mmm-hmm. Sing it, sister.

And then there’s Apple.

[sad trombone]

“I think they’re screwed,” said Palihapitiya.

He explained: “These guys have lost largely their mojo.”

Please check the Dow Jones Mojo Index to find which companies are currently flush with “mojo.” You will find Apple at the bottom of this list.

So why on Earth are those boys and girls in tight trousers queuing around the block to buy the latest Apple products? Perhaps they simply haven’t got the progressive message yet.

Of course! They’re idiots! Running out there and buying what’s still the best smartphone instead of checking the Mojo Index!

Palihapitiya was especially critical about Apple’s purported deal to buy Beats. He described the latter as a low-margin hardware business. How can this possibly be worth $3 billion?

Here is the inquisitive mind of the venture capitalist, summed up in one piece of ASCII art:

¯\(°_o)/¯

This deal, of course, hasn’t even happened yet—if it’s even going to.

Whether Apple comes out with a TV, a new phone or a smartwatch, it’s “more of the same,” according to the money man.

This is the state of our civilization: People are openly expressing their boredom for things that haven’t been released or even seen yet. Cue alien invasion and subjugation of all humanity to work in the spice mines.

Devices are “getting cheaper and becoming more abstracted.” Apple is, therefore, “in a race to the bottom.”

Sure, that totally sounds like Apple, doesn’t it?

The Macalope will leave it to his savvy and sexy readers to decide where Palihapitiya lies on another index, this one labeled “stupid or faking it?” And, yes, “Why not both?” is probably the best answer.

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