Bizarro Insider

Hang on to your figurative and possibly literal hats, as today the Macalope brings a strange, fantastic tale of unbelievable Apple punditry!

Writing for Business Insider—also known as anti-Apple central—Jay Yarow says “It’s Pretty Clear That Apple Is Winning The War With Samsung” (tip o’ the antlers to Daniel Domene)

Yes, the twists and turns on this ride are so intense they may cause nausea and the need to question all you hold to be true!

If there’s one thing that’s clear today it’s that Apple has been completely right in its smartphone strategy so far.

Oh! Oh! Gosh, if only someone had tried to tell Business Insider that for the past four years. What a tragedy. You know, there are those who engage in a destructive lifestyle and those who enable those who engage in a destructive lifestyle. Sure, the Macalope wrote possibly hundreds of columns telling Business Insider’s Yarow and Henry Blodget how wrong they were, but did he drive over to their houses and stage an intervention? No he did not.

While there were many (including people who work at Business Insider) shrieking that Apple was going to get knocked flat by Samsung and Android, it’s looking increasingly like that’s not going to happen.

“Including” people who work at Business Insider. It’s not like they were the poster children for Apple doom derangement syndrome or anything. They just happened to have written a few million pieces with “APPLE DEAD IN THE WATER” in the headline.

Samsung delivered a rough earnings report yesterday.

Have we fallen through some shimmering inter-dimensional portal? Are the skies full of zeppelins and the faces full of goatees?

It gets worse for Samsung.

WHAT MUST WE DO TO TERMINATE THIS POCKET UNIVERSE?

Its market share slid to 25.2 percent of the smartphone market for Q2, down from 32.5 percent last year in the second quarter.

Whoa. Even the Macalope didn’t know it was that bad.

So, what’s eating Samsung?

Weevils? Is it weevils? The Macalope’s guessing it’s weevils.

At the high end it’s competing with Apple. Apple isn’t going anywhere.

Except out of business and into irrelevancy.

It remains strong thanks to a sterling brand, high-quality phones, and iOS, the best mobile operating system in the world.

Is the pro-Apple-ness of this piece getting weird for anyone else? Because it’s super weird for the Macalope.

While there are people pushing Apple to lower prices on the iPhone, it seems like Apple is doing the exact right thing by keeping its phones priced at a premium.

Huh. Well, the Macalope looks forward to having this same argument in five years over watches or whatever. “iWATCHES ARE TOO EXPENSIVE!” Because the only alternative is thinking that pundits have actually learned from this experience and the Macalope just doesn’t believe that’s possible.

The danger for Apple…

Oh, phew. For a minute there the Macalope feared we had lost all connection with our timeline.

…is that it whiffs on the next wave of mobile users who are coming from emerging markets. But…

Business Insider dropping a “but” that’s pro-Apple? Well, call the large animal vet and have the horny one put down because now he’s seen everything.

…in the last two earnings calls Apple has made it clear that it’s doing well in those places despite selling relatively expensive phones.

This piece is almost over-the-top. The Macalope himself is actually thinking of counter-arguments.

Bottom line: Apple knows what it’s doing.

Bottom line: editorial policy at Business Insider is to only stick with conventional wisdom that’s ankle-deep and clearly wrong for four years.

Anyway, congratulations to Jay Yarow for joining the rest of us here in 2014. You could have been on this page in 2010 but, you know, mistakes were made.

By you guys.

Subscribe to the iOS Tips & Trends Newsletter

Comments