Look what I can do!

Get ready for some silly pundit tricks, because these guys are more fun than a troop of dancing circus poodles. First, we’ll get a nice slathering of how awesome Android is (totally awesome). Next, a pundit shows us how to be right and wrong at the same time. Finally, the iWatch? Total disappointment.

Yes, we see you, guys! We see you.

Comedy jokes

Writing for “I can’t believe it’s still in” BetaNews, Mark Wilson says:

“There is simply no reason for anyone to care about the iPhone 6” (despite the link-baity-ness of this piece, the Macalope has added the link after the fact because he has pulled so liberally from it).

The iPhone used to be exciting and interesting.

It is still exciting and interesting. It’s just not as exciting and interesting as it used to be. Smartphones are not as exciting and interesting as they used to be.

It used to be aspirational and high-end. Now the world and his dog has an Apple handset and it’s turned from something special into a poor substitute for one of the countless alternatives.

Apple’s market share is something like 15 percent, but the same people who tell us it’s inconsequential are now telling us “everyone has one.”

This is not to say that the popularity of the device in itself makes it less appealing, but it certainly seems to have made Apple lazy. Innovation has gone out of the window. We’ve had the same design for the handset for what seems like an eternity.

It’s not an eternity. It’s two years. It just seems like an eternity because of all the whining.

By far the biggest problem with the iPhone is the lack of choice.

Because 3 lousy choices and one mediocre one are much better than a couple good choices.

While Android users (and even Windows Phone fans) have a huge number of handsets to choose from, the same cannot be said of those sucking on Apple’s teat.

YOU ARE LIKE LITTLE BABIES TO ME.

Things did improve slightly when the 2013 iPhones were released, but you’re still stuck, essentially, with two phones to choose from—the really expensive over-hyped one, or the pale imitation wannabe version.

See? This is why the Macalope doesn’t link. You’re trying too hard, Mark.

Look to Android.

MOVE INTO THE LIGHT, MY CHILDREN. ALL ARE WELCOME. JUST PUT ON THESE ROBES AND …

And we’re the cult-like zombie followers of our iGod. You know, the Macalope doesn’t even evangelize the iPhone with ridiculousness like this. And he’s got a head shaped like a classic Mac.

There are apps that iPhone users can only dream of. Custom launchers.

Nightmares are a kind of dream.

Actually, as of iOS 8, third party keyboards are an option, but how many years did this take to arrive? This isn’t innovation, this is playing catch-up—there was a three year wait for copy and paste, don’t forget.

Uh, it was two years, actually, but don’t let basic facts get in your way! Rage against the machine!

The “surprise” last time around was a fingerprint scanner—which may as well have been a penis scanner for all of the interest it generated.

“Mark, we need you to write some nonsensical anti-iPhone screed and can you work the word ‘penis’ in there? It really helps with the SEO.”

So, the “joke” here is that Apple delivered a phone with a feature that generated a lot of interest, which runs entirely counter to the whole argument being made so … penis. Got it. It’s like a crappy magician throwing down a smoke bomb to make his escape when his tricks go awry.

The thing is … we just don’t care. The iPhone is run of the mill. It is predictable. It’s just plain boring. Android is where it is happening. Android is where consumers are given the variety, choice and flexibility they deserve.

Just not the security or the design or the updates.

There are endless handsets to choose from. Sure, some are a bit crappy, but there are plenty that can equal or exceed the iPhone build quality.

Name one. HTC makes good phones, phones that are close to Apple’s level of build quality, but no one buys them.

Can’t be right for all the wrong

Writing for Bloomberg, Leonid Bershidsky is directionally correct about one of Apple’s strategic advantages, but just can’t keep his hand out of the cookie jar full of lame Apple tropes.

“Apple Moves Upmarket Because It Can” (tip o’ the antlers to Tay Bass).

An employee of the Spanish telecoms company Telefonica has reported that Apple is planning to sell its new, large-screen iPhones for 950 euros ($1,253) apiece.

We have no choice but to assume that this is true because otherwise … well, otherwise Bershidsky has nothing to write about. And what a horror that would be.

As long as the Cupertino company is able to sell millions of devices at prices that reflect nothing but the brand’s cachet …

DEPLOY THE WEAPONIZED SLIDE WHISTLE SOUND.

There is no superior build quality. There is no superior user experience. There is no superior security and lack of additional crapware. There is no rich ecosystem of apps and third-party products. There is only “brand cachet.” Which is apparently built upon a logo and nothing else.

After receiving hundreds of insulting messages every time I have the gall to question Apple’s superiority, I am convinced its products are cult objects made in heaven as far as its fans are concerned.

My readers are idiots! They do not value my superior analytical abilities!

Hey, wait a minute …

Apple adherents don’t care about the Samsung provenance of the “revolutionary” 64-bit processors in their phones: to them, anything the company touches is sanctified, be it a Qualcomm camera module or a Bosch accelerometer.

You know what would fix that? Some awesome stickers on the iPhone.

The Apple cultists know they’re paying premium prices, and they love it.

Not really! Would the Macalope like to pay less for his Apple devices? Of course he would! But they’re still worth it at these price points. Even if only because their resale value is so much higher.

Let’s look at an example that’s close to the Macalope’s furry chest, since he has both of these devices in his woodland home. The 16GB Nexus 7 went on sale in 2012 for the price of $249. The 16GB iPad mini went on sale a few months later in 2012 for $329. An outrage! Why would anyone have bought the iPad when the Nexus 7 is clearly the better value?! Crazy Apple cultists!

Well, let’s look at the resale value of these two devices. Gazelle.com will buy that iPad mini from the horny one today for $110. Not bad. How much will they pay him for the Nexus 7?

$15.

The iPad mini has lost 67 percent of its value while the Nexus 7 has lost 94 percent.

Presumably that’s just because the iPad’s resale value is propped up by a chain of Apple cultists. It’s Apple cultists all the way down, you see. It’s not because the Nexus 7 was legitimately an inferior product.

No, the theory of Apple cultism cannot fail, it can only be failed.

The brand’s loyalists want Apple to reap its rewards and enjoy profit leadership: Somewhat illogically, it reinforces their belief that they’re doing the right thing by overpaying.

The above example proves this to be false, not that it will ever get through to Bershidsky.

Meanwhile, for consumers seeking functionality—and who, with the latest Android software, need no longer compromise on the user experience—Apple’s handsets make less and less sense.

Which is why Apple sells fewer and fewer iPhones every year.

Wait …

A trusted opinion

Zach “I can’t believe Windows 8 flopped” Epstein is here to pre-flop the iWatch.

“It looks like Apple’s iWatch may come with a painful compromise” (tip o’ the antlers to Jim Miles).

Now, the Macalope knows he brings this up a lot, but he thinks it’s important to remember that this is the guy who gushed over Windows 8 before it was released. And now he’s here to tell us that the iWatch, a device we know nothing about, is going to be a big disappointment:

Despite the fact that the iWatch represents Apple’s first dive into an “exciting new product category” since it unleashed the original iPad back in 2010, the new device isn’t Apple’s most hotly anticipated launch this fall.

This may be true, but you know the adage about people not knowing what they want until they see it.

In fact, it likely falls into the No. 3 spot behind the 4.7-inch iPhone 6 and the 5.5-inch iPhone phablet.

Do not call it a phablet.

Consumers and investors alike are still waiting anxiously to see Apple’s take on wrist-worn wearables, but a new report suggests that the company may have been forced to forgo its typical no-compromise approach to mobile devices, and the result could be a big letdown for users.

Because they have such specific expectations for the iWatch. The device that no one knows anything about.

Is Epstein’s beat at the Boy Genius Report “wild assumptions on things we know nothing about”? That would explain a lot.

“Since Apple has not provided any information on when exactly (or even if at all) the product will launch …”

SO RUDE.

“… what it will look like and what features it will offer all remain in the realm of speculation.”

And now, let us do exactly that. Because waiting to see is clearly out of the question.

“But Apple’s display manufacturing partner LG Display is believed to be ramping up production of 1.3” and 1.5” QVGA AMOLEDs on plastic substrates,” [DisplaySearch analyst Charles] Annis wrote.

Clearly this elephant’s trunk is, in fact, a snake. No one could deny that.

There are plenty of benefits to AMOLED technology, of course, but Annis’s suggestion here is a bit troubling. A common complaint surrounding current smartwatches is their poor battery life, and this note suggests battery life might not be a top priority for Apple.

We know nothing about this thing. We don’t even know that the thing we’re talking about relates to the thing we know nothing about. But we are already disappointed.

Let’s have a nice slow, sarcastic golf clap for tech coverage, everyone.

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