Free advice: Apple gets what it pays for

Macalope

Well, it’s been five minutes. Has anyone offered Apple business advice?

Of course they have! Here’s Business Insider’s Jay Yarow with the latest on how Apple should run its business. Because they apparently really need the advice.

“Apple Should Buy Tesla” (indirect link and tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

Business Insider, meanwhile, should buy a clue.

Tim Cook promised new products “across 2014,” but there was nothing new [early in the year]. There weren’t even reliable rumors that new products were coming until the end of the year.

Stupid Apple! Make better rumors!

Pundits started getting antsy.

OH NO. Well, we certainly need to do absolutely nothing about that.

Eric Jackson, a fund manager who writes at various business sites, implored Apple to do something.

Actually, he said Apple should buy Twitter. Because they were both big-name companies that he had heard of and that’s all the backup you really need for a statement like that.

A few months later, Apple listened. Sort of. It paid $3 billion for Beats, which helped silence the critics who wanted Apple to do something.

But Jay’s here to fix all that annoying silence!

So, all is good for Apple right now! Nobody is antsy; nobody is unhappy. Nobody wants Apple to make crazy acquisitions.

Nobody, except for me.

And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Making Jay Yarow’s stilted and wooden slash fiction come true.

I still think the company should make one crazy acquisition.

Craaaazy acquisitions are the best acquisitions! Because they give guys like Jay Yarow something to write about.

I think Apple should buy Tesla.

Interesting! (Not really. Just play along.) Let’s see how well Jay has thought this out.

Why would Tesla founder and CEO Elon Musk want to sell his company to Apple? For one, I am assuming Apple offers a nice price for Tesla.

Oh, yeah, sure. How much? Duh, I dunno. Some big number. Something billion. Look, the point is just to make this deal happen. What does Jay have to do to get Tim Cook in a Tesla... today?

Tesla’s market cap is ~$30 billion, so even at twice the price Apple could easily afford it.

Sure, twice the price. Whatever. Just buy it already! Ugh, you’re wasting Jay’s time!

There are other, more nuanced reasons for Tesla to sell, and Apple to buy.

Presumably. Whatever.

Have you still not bought Tesla yet?! What is wrong with you?!

Here’s why I think Apple should buy Tesla.

First and foremost, Apple gets Musk, one of the boldest, most imaginative, future-thinking entrepreneurs in the world. In this fantasy acquisition scenario, Musk is put on Apple’s board, giving Cook access to Musk’s bright mind on a permanent basis.

Might be slightly cheaper just to ask Musk to join the board.

Secondarily, but obviously of equal importance, Apple gets Tesla, which makes a premium product.

Apple should buy every premium product company. It just makes sense.

Phil Schiller, Apple’s SVP of marketing, is really into cars. ... Jony Ive, Apple’s head of design, is a big car guy, too.

Wealthy white men who are into cars? What are the odds?!

Is Tesla going to be a bigger or a smaller company in 20 years? The future is somewhat difficult to predict, but I would guess it’s going to be a bigger company in 20 years.

Or smaller. Could be bigger. Probably bigger. Who am I, Nostradamus?

JUST BUY IT ALREADY.

If Apple did run out and buy Tesla, the next day Business Insider would say “Oh. Well, then Apple should buy the moon! Nay, Apple must buy the moon or risk immediate irrelevancy!”

Just like you don’t negotiate with terrorists, you should not take business advice from link-baiting, SEO-driven web sites. Some people just want to watch their web stats churn.

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