Jerk in the box: how to get on TV by being wrong about Apple

Macalope

Are you a cord-cutter? Have you adopted a cable television-free lifestyle? If not, this delightful tête-a-tête that happened on CNBC may have you running with scissors toward your television to silence the voices emanating from within.

“Apple becoming a one-trick pony” (tip o’ the antlers to @mylestaylor)

CNBC dragged Bert Dohman out of his hyperbaric chamber because they needed someone to say dumb things about Apple. Apparently. Really, the Macalope doesn’t think there’s any other reason unless Dohman just needs the work. Which is possible but not at all exculpatory.

Dohman, you may remember, was one of the sages advising last spring that Apple sucks big time because, among other things, “they were going to have a TV, but they never had it.”

He said that. Really. The Macalope knows you like this game where he quotes a pundit’s insanity and you pretend to not believe it but, frankly, he’s growing tired of it. The link is there. Use it.

Dohman’s contentions now are that Apple totally blows because it’s losing—LOSING! LOSING! LOSING!—market share, which we all know is the most important thing ever, and the company makes most of its money on iPhones so it’s “just a phone company now.” Remember the iPod? They practically don’t even make those anymore!

The CNBC anchor felt compelled to point this out:

“But Burt, you acknowledge you’ve been hundreds of dollars in the red on this bear case at this point.”

This is a reasonable point to make. Personally, the horny one would have said something more along the lines of “Surely, Burt, you acknowledge that investors would be better off listening to a supercut of goats yelling like humans than getting investment advice from you.”

But, still, her remark is solid.

Dohman’s reaction?

“What?!”

This is an outrage! Dohman didn’t come on CNBC to be laughed at for his fringe views! He came on CNBC to be paid to be a living strawman argument! A golem formed from the rough clay of Apple negativism! Please, CNBC host, confine yourself to hating the game, not the playah.

Turns out Dohman is just a setup to make this guy look smart. It’s good work if you can get it.

...Timothy Lesko, principal at Granite Investment Advisors, disagrees.

Actually, if you watch the video of the exchange, it’s practically all Lesko can do to not LOL right in Dohman’s face. He probably even had trouble keeping himself from LARPing in Dohman’s face, that’s how absurd Dohman’s negativism is. “Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!” Lesko probably wanted to run through all the “L” acronyms until Dohman rolled on his back and submissively showed his belly.

“There! Now stop being so wrong all the time!”

Does Dohman even believe the stuff escaping from his mouth like angry bees of wrongness? Hard to say. It’s a sad, twisted industry these professional nay-sayers work in. His fringe view on Apple is literally the only reason he’s on CNBC. He’s being rewarded for being wrong.

“We’ll get one guy who’s right and another guy who’s laughable wrong. For balance.”

Somehow this is supposed to be informative. The Macalope doesn’t know about you, but when a contractor suggests your house needs some minor improvements, he doesn’t rush to an arsonist to get a second opinion.

“I say you should burn it down! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

The Macalope appreciates different viewpoints. It’s just not helpful when they’re so shoddily constructed.

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