Things we know for sure: The thoughts of Steve Jobs are not in this set

Macalope

Can you believe it? It’s 2015 and people are still writing “Steve Jobs would never” on their checks.

“7 things Steve Jobs would have hated about Apple today” (indirect link)

Inexplicably, some still pretend to know what Steve Jobs would think about things. No, they will never stop. But, to be fair, Cult of Mac knows Steve Jobs would have hated these things because [clown horn] honk-honk [slide whistle] doooooooooooop [very long seltzer spray] pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssht

For future reference, here are the rules about presuming to write about what Steve Jobs would have thought of anything:

A) Unless you are Laurene Powell Jobs, do not attempt to write about what Steve Jobs would have thought of anything.

B) There is no rule B.

Is the author at Cult of Mac Laurene Powell Jobs? Alas, no.

So, what would Steve Jobs have hated? Well, the Macalope certainly doesn’t know, but a thing the horny one hates is people putting words in Jobs’s mouth. Words like these.

The giant iPhone 6 Plus

Steve Jobs said a thing about things and he never changed his mind about things so we know for a fact he would hate the things he said things about. That’s just science.

Buying innovation instead of building it

Apple under Jobs never bought nothin’! Except iTunes. And the iPod operating system. And Siri. And...

OK, you know, you can’t make an argument without breaking some... logic.

Too many superstars in the kitchen

So, no, Cult of Mac did not... forget about Dre. Thank you. You’re a terrific audience. Please try the fish and don’t forget to tip your server. TEANECK, NEW JERSEY CROWDS ARE THE BEST CROWDS! WHOOOO!

So, apparently we’ve gone from “Apple’s huge problem is brain drain!” to “Apple has too much talent!” Perhaps there should be some sort of contest, à la America’s Got Talent where the most talented Apple executives are pitted against each other and judged by celebrities and then the most talented one is fired. How better to deal with Apple’s surfeit of superstars?

Siri

Technically, Siri arrived while Jobs was still at Apple.

[Banging... antlers... against... desk...]

The iOS update that bricked the iPhone 6

As opposed to Tim Cook who loved the iOS update that bricked the iPhone 6.

A lack of black turtlenecks

“I’m very uncomfortable with what I wrote so I’ll throw a joke in at the end! HA-HA! J/K! Please don’t verbally abuse me in the comments! I’m being held captive by Leander Kahney! He makes me write these things!”

The nicest things the Macalope can say about this list are that it wasn’t 10 things and it wasn’t a slide show. So...

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