Flop flap: Apple Watch comes pre-flopped

Macalope

Hey, funny story: Turns out that if you discount a lot of things about a device that isn’t shipping yet, it can actually look not so impressive. No, it’s true.

Writing for Fast Company, Mark Wilson says ”You Guys Realize The Apple Watch Is Going To Flop, Right?” (tip o’ the antlers to Neal Butterfield)

Oh, sure. We’re just trying to fill the excitement lull between football season and baseball season. What else are we going to do? Watch hockey? Please. We’re not barbarians.

The subtitle to this piece: “I’m just saying what a lot of people are thinking.”

In other words, “Don’t shoot the messenger, bro. Just spillin’ truths all over the Information Superhighway. Don’t hate on me.”

Few analysts or writers will outright say it, but I will...

I will bravely place a stake in the ground and say that this device which hasn’t shipped yet and I’ve never seen will be disappointing and won’t sell well because of some stuff I read about it on the Internet.

Don’t call me a hero. I mean, I am one, just don’t call me that.

...the Apple Watch is going to flop.

Nowhere in this piece does Wilson define what constitutes a “flop.” You will be surprised to see later that selling out on opening weekend doesn’t preclude it from being a flop. Totally surprised. If the Macalope hadn’t just written that. So surprised.

... just because a lot of people were wrong about the iPad doesn’t mean that the Apple Watch will similarly rise above expectations.

That’s certainly true. But the trend line of iPod, iPhone and iPad all overcoming negative reviews before they even shipped is pretty strong.

The Apple Watch is Jonathan Ive’s new Newton.

Wait, the Watch can’t be his Newton. He already has a Newton. It’s the Newton.

... all Apple can sell the public on is a few tweets and emails on their wrists—an attempt at a fashion statement that needs to be charged once or more a day.

Reductionism is always a winner in judging products that aren’t shipping yet. Good call.

Current reports say the Apple Watch could burn out in times as short as 2.5 hours before needing a recharge.

This is not so much baloney as it is pimento loaf. Some people actually like baloney. No one likes pimento loaf. That would be 2.5 hours of active application use.

Have you ever used an Android Wear smartwatch, like the Motorola 360? It’s a beautiful little piece of hardware for sure.

Pictured above this bit is what appears to be some kind of industrial flange with a strap attached to it. The Macalope’s not sure why that... oh, no, wait, that’s the Motorola 360. What a silly mistake.

You know, the Macalope actually had one of those strapped to his wrist once and, well, we shall have to agree to disagree about its beauty. Or the notion of it being “little.”

The Apple Watch will work the same way. It sits on your wrist dead to the world until you lift it up and look at it.

How stupid! If my watch isn’t on when I’m not looking at it, what’s the point of even having a watch?!

Even Apple Pay, Apple’s iPhone-based payments standard, doesn’t have enough retailers supporting the product to be any bit as ubiquitous as paying with a credit card.

And if easy and more secure things aren’t instantly as ubiquitous as harder and less secure things, then they are never adopted.

So, because Apple isn’t delivering magical monitoring features that are better than what’s in smartbands, and because Apple Pay isn’t instantly everywhere, and because of a thing he made up about the battery...

...what we’re left with is the Apple Watch as it is today—a platform for what the industry calls “lightweight notifications.”

Well, when you put it like that, banjo banana town the corn muffin.

Just so we’re all on the same page here, the only thing the Apple Watch will be good for is texts and short emails. Its other features might as well not even exist.

By real demand or smart PR, the first run will surely sell out.

So, when you say “flop” what you mean is... Actually, the horny one has no idea what you mean and he’s not going to try to figure it out. He doesn’t want his head to explode.

But, yes, Apple devices only sell through marketing. Way to give yourself a lazy out while boldly saying what others only dare to think.

Whether it was the original Mac or the iPod, Apple’s best moments haven’t been about building elitist filigree but about democratizing meaningful function...

Apple’s the only company that can be chastised for selling devices that are “too expensive” at the same time it’s being chastised for not living up to its supposedly proletariat roots.

...and releasing a technology only when the time was right.

This is also (mostly) true, but you know when we’ll know if the technology is ready? When we can actually try an Apple Watch.

See, when Business Insider is telling you to knock it off with the f-word, well...

Well, OK, you ask them why they feel like they can even write about Apple anymore because they’re the ones who started this whole “flop” thing in the first place.

No, that’s right.

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