Getting your kicks in: Gotta complain about the Apple Watch before Monday
What is it with the press that it feels it has to rush out to tell you why you shouldn't buy this new thing that's not even here for another month? This time it's the Telegraph's Sophie Curtis.
"Apple Watch: six things that could drive you round the bend" (tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody)
LET THE MADNESS BEGIN.
1. You have to wake it up to check the time
By raising your arm. Gone are the days when you could easily lean your head down to your limply dangling wrist to check the time. Thanks for nothing, Apple.
For people who are used to wearing a traditional watch, wearing something on your wrist that does not display the time permanently could feel counter-intuitive – or even downright pointless.
What is the point of dimming the screen? There is none. No point. There is only nothingness and a cold, unforgiving universe staring back at you from the void as you cry out "WHY?" There is not even an echo to greet you. You are utterly alone.
2. The battery will need to be charged daily
Unlike anything else you own and completely rely on.
Having your watch run out mid-way through a night on the tiles could prove very annoying if you end up missing the last bus home.
And if you're one of the undead, cursed to wander the night? Fuggetabboutit.
3. You need to keep your phone in close proximity
Who does that? Who even knows where their phone is right now? Is it even in the house, or is it out with its friends? Again. Your mother said you should marry Kenny McGee. He's a highly-respected pediatrist. But did you listen? Noooooo, you had to marry a smartphone...
...without the iPhone by your side you will not be able to receive calls, texts, emails or social media updates.
So, wait, are you saying that's a bug or a feature?
4. It taps you on the wrist to remind you to move
Your phone may try to remind you you're alive. To which the Telegraph resoundingly replies: "No, thank you. We're British."
...even if you disable it, watching other people leaping out of their seats in synchrony could push you over the edge.
If you're that close to the edge then, yes, you probably want to use your money for professional help rather than an Apple Watch. Good call.
OK, here's the best one. You're gonna want to hang on to something for this one. Like your sanity.
5. It has a square face
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, BUT THE MACALOPE HAS A SQUARE FACE.
This is of course a matter of taste, but...
But here's why square watches are a crime against humanity.
...almost all of the major smartwatch makers and fashion gurus have now admitted that round watch faces look better than square ones.
First off, all of the current major smartwatch makers couldn't design a good-looking watch if they spent 6 years at good-looking watch school. Second, note the second half of that statement isn't backed up by anything. Third, round watches are round because they're defined by the sweep of the hands. If you're going to demand a smartwatch be round you might as well demand cars come with horse whips, airplanes be covered in feathers and Game Center have a felt game table interface.
...seeing other people walk around with beautiful devices like the LG Watch Urbane and the Huawei Watch could enduce envy from Apple watch owners.
Do you crave the luxury of Amazon Basics? Then you'll love the LG Watch Urbane. Do you like blunt cylinders? Then you'll love the Huawei Watch.
Who wants to guess which watch will have the better build quality: The Apple Watch Sport or either of these other ungainly arm weights?
6. It will be obsolete in a couple of years
Unlike this column which will be obsolete by Monday. If it isn't already.