Choose wisely: Your all-important Apple Watch choice


Worried about which Apple Watch to get? Well, don’t. Turns out there’s only one valid answer unless you want to be deemed unworthy.

Writing for Digital Trends, Andy Boxall warns of the coming judgement day.

”Are you a snob or an idiot? The Apple Watch lets you choose!” (tip o’ the antlers to @bhatnaturally)

Noooope. Nothing incendiary there. That is as staid and considered as the mustache on Thomas Friedman’s face.

If you buy an Apple Watch, prepare to be judged.

Oh, good, we’re still judging people's technology and fashion choices. For a minute there the Macalope thought everyone had evolved into a pure energy state beyond the puerile effects of human emotion. PHEW.

A new social hierarchy based purely on snobbery is coming, and the Apple Watch is going to be its gauge.

So, now we have two ways in which the Apple Watch will tear apart the fabric of society as we know it. Neat. And it isn’t even out yet.

Well, of course. Because it’s obvious it’s not going to do either one of these things so you have to write these fainting-couch pieces before it arrives. That’s just responsible journalism.

Right now, the best casual indicator about a person’s salary is their house, its location, and the car they drive. Watches don’t usually count, because for the most part, regular people can’t tell them apart.

No one can tell current watches apart but everyone will be able to tell Apple Watches apart. Sure, that makes sense.

This is the point in the conversation with Boxall that, while continuing to make eye contact, you slowly start backing toward the door.

Because the Apple Watch will be more visible than a house or car...

More visible than a house or a car?! Have words lost all meaning? Has the universe inverted itself? Has large become small and small become large? Do people not wear long sleeve shirts anymore?

The Apple Watch range starts out at $350, or $400 if you want a slightly larger model. It’s affordable, for most people, so if you want to be labeled as a pauper, go ahead and buy the Apple Watch Sport with a silicone band.

Sure, “most people” would think nothing of dropping $349 on a smartwatch. Poor people, even! Living under a bridge? The Apple Watch Sport is the model for you.

Look, the only way this argument is going to work is by setting up some craaazy false dichotomies. Humorously, another article the Macalope was considering for today criticized the Apple Watch Sport for being too expensive at its real cost, which is $1,000, because you need an iPhone to use it.

As Kevin Rose said earlier this week, Watch Edition wearers should be avoided at absolutely all costs.

Raccoons say the same thing about Rose.

The Apple Watch (gold) Edition is without a doubt, the stupidest, most egotistical tech buying decision someone can make this year.

Uh, excuse him for saying so, but the Macalope is pretty sure Ello is still available.

Is the standard Apple Watch for normal people?

Are subjective standards actually objective?

(Spoiler: No.)

The Apple Watch is finally a legitimate excuse for your friend to call you a snob again.

Sorry, wait, who’s the snob here? Seems like Boxall’s the one doing all the judging.

Great tech should be for everyone, not just rich snobs.

But you just said the Sport was affordable “for most people”. But, of course, you implied no one should get it because a $349 watch says they’re poor.

Man, you can’t swing a yacht key on a lanyard without hitting some delicately constructed hyperbolic logic in this piece.

This is a non-issue. Do you know how many Editions Apple is going to sell? A relative handful. And they’re probably not going to go to people you know. They’re going to go to people who are so wealthy there is already no mistaking it. Trust the Macalope, you’re not going to suddenly realize that the dude who regularly walks into a sushi bar with a panther on a leash followed by five guys in pith helmets with tranquilizer guns—because sometimes the panther just can’t take it anymore—is rich because he’s now wearing an Apple Watch Edition.

But, hyperbolists gotta hyperbole.

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