Double header: Twice the crazy


It's two-fer-Tuesday as ZDNet's Jason Perlow brings on a double dose of... what is this? Congealed Peeps?

"Apple Watch should cost as much as a deluxe pizza" (tip o' the antlers to Rob Wensing)

A deluxe... gold pizza?

Macalope: "I'll have a 12-inch veggie supreme... and dip it in solid gold."

Domino's: "Sir, we've asked you to stop calling."

Perlow thinks smartwatches should cost $30. Just because. Forget how much went into designing them and the fact that memory and batteries and software design cost money and that it takes time to ramp up economies of scale in production. It just seems to him that smartwatches should be cheap.

It seems to the Macalope that alfalfa should be free. It's just a plant, right? Forget the fact that someone has to own land to grow it, has to plant it, tend it, cut it, package it, deliver it. WHAT THE HECK IS THE MACALOPE EVEN PAYING RAY'S AMAZING ALFALFA CO. FOR, ANYWAY, ONE STAR, SHOULD BE FREE.

And I'm not picking on Apple here...

Other than in the title and the first two paragraphs, sure.

On the surface, this sounds crazy.

Yes, it does! On the surface and all the way through to the other side. It's actually making the things it's sitting next to crazy!

Hey, someday smartwatches will be cheaper. Prices for electronics generally go down over time. The first iPod was $400. Now you can get one with 16 times the capacity and a color screen that plays videos for $149. The Macalope has little doubt that within a few years they'll be giving away crappy Android Wear smartwatches in cereal boxes. But, sure, the Apple Watch isn't even out yet so go ahead and flip some tables about the price.

The Macalope has never personally met Perlow, but by all accounts he's a lovely person. The Macalope's interactions with him have always been delightful and he takes a poke with the antlers much better than your average pundit. So, the horny one is quite concerned that there is a high-pressure gas leak in Perlow's house, because this train to Bananatown doesn't stop at $30 Smartphoneville.

"Amazon's Apple Watch killer will be free and sell you everything" (tip o' the antlers to Chris Domico)

We don't even have an Apple Watch yet and already we have an Apple Watch killer. Of course, that's not a record, it's just another day at the insanity mines. (The insanity mines are between $30 Smartphoneville and Bananatown.)

Despite the complete flop that was the Fire Phone, Perlow thinks Amazon would nail a smartwatch for three reasons. They are, and the Macalope is required by law to point out he is not making this up, because it would be simpler than the phone, it would use AWS and because it would help you buy crap from Amazon.

For the love of God, Jason, whatever you do, do not light a match right now. KA-BOOM!

If the idea of buying more junk from Amazon on your phone isn't compelling enough, just wait.

It would know how many hours a night you've slept and could even constantly monitor your body temperature, oxygen levels and other key metrics, which could give you important notifications about your overall vitals.

That's a perfect opportunity for the watchface, at the appropriate time, to show you protein bars...


Is that a great example? "You seem hungry. Would you like some protein bars two days from now?"

The Macalope doesn't know about you, but the idea of Amazon getting ahold of its customers' health information gives him what medical doctors call "a massive case of the willies". Don't worry, they're just going to dump that information into an algorithm and use it to try to sell you stuff. Nothing wrong with that.

"You seem depressed. Other depressed customers have looked at [Pills] [Lengths of Rope]."

Apple Watch may very well be front and center of consumers minds right now when considering a smartwatch. But don't count out what the folks in Kirkland's skunkworks are planning, because if Amazon is anything, it's a market disruptor.

The Macalope keeps hearing how great Amazon's marketing power is but it's never been proven with its own devices. No one knows how many Kindle Fires they've sold. All they show is charts with lines going up that were apparently printed in a strange land without numbers. Possibly near $30 Smartphoneville. We do kind of know how many Fire Phones they sold because "next to nothing" is sort of a number.

Jason, call the gas company. Pronto.

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