Nobody cares: A horror show of opinions we can live without


As there seems to be a temporary break in the deluge of insanity that is modern commentary on Apple, let us look back through the Macalope’s open Safari tabs and see if there’s anything lurking like a poltergeist-controlled clown in a dark closet that the horny one might have neglected over the past weeks.

Ah! Yes, here we go.

”Apple Inc. Co-Founder Steve Wozniak: Apple Watch Will Flop” (tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

Nnnnnope, no, no, no, do not want. That is the Apple “analysis” equivalent of being dragged under the bed by the long, spindly, be-striped arms of the horrible, cackling clown of nonsense.

Now watch as the clown is joined by the empty-eyed, cymbal-smashing, wind-up monkey that is the “Apple is a religion” construction.

Wozniak doesn’t have faith in the Apple Watch

[slow, sarcastic golf clap followed by slow, sarcastic round of golf and slow, sarcastic lunch at the club house]

Is it worth pointing out that Woz has said many things against about-to-be-released Apple products and that, despite his sad emoji-laden speech, they’ve all gone on to sell exceedingly well? No, it is not. It is all on the record. We love Woz, but you might as well quote the cat, whose meowing has the virtue of sometimes actually being right about Apple.

Well, surely that can’t be the only piece of partially animated detritus in the Macalope’s moldy old Safari tabs.

”Apple Drifts Away From Jobs” (tip o’ the antlers to Shawn King)

Ah, Rob Enderle. What would we do without you? We would love to find out.

Seriously, have you considered one of the off-world colonies? It’s a chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure. We could have you packed in five minutes.

Again, if Rob had ever been right about Apple even once in his entire career then... well, he still shouldn’t feel free to write about Steve Jobs’s legacy ever.

...we’ve seen people struggle to get their phones to work with boarding passes and airport scanners... Now imagine what this is going to look like on a wrist, with all of the people behind them in line getting increasingly annoyed and vocal.

I have not used this but I will assume for purposes of “analysis” that it won’t work worth a darn. That’s Rob’s signature value-add. You will be surprised to know that he also sees trouble for the new MacBook.

Now Apple can do what these others didn’t and drive people more successfully to a new ultra-thin product, but if users don’t like working on the product or it breaks excessively, they may abandon Apple altogether. Others, seeing these early users struggle, will be more likely to avoid the brand.

Fear. Uncertainty. Doubt. It’s what’s for breakfast!

What does this tell us about the new Apple? It is increasingly looking like the Apple when Jobs wasn’t there...

Having naysaid Apple throughout the Jobs years, Rob now wants us to think he can lament a supposed turn from Jobs. Sorry, we’re not goldfish. We can remember past the last five minutes. And even if we didn’t, your crimes against logic are well-documented.

This has been another episode of Old Tab Horror Show! Sorry you had to watch.

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