Gross: A gimmicky 'Dear John' letter for a gadget isn't cute

Macalope

You ever write a break-up letter? Yeah, don’t do that.

”A breakup letter to my Apple Watch” (tip o’ the antlers to Caitlin McGarry)

Well, you gave this relationship two weeks. It’s not like anyone could say you didn’t try.

You know who writes breakup letters in real life? Jerks. Jerks write breakup letters. But as jerky as this is, the next time just send a breakup text. Sure, it’s even jerkier, but at least it has the singular virtue of being short.

The following letter is from Morgan Oliveira, director of communications for Hampton Creek, a startup working on replacing eggs with plant-based products.

They laughed at Oliveira at the institute! But he’ll show them! HE’LL SHOW THEM ALL BY REPLACING EGGS WITH PLANT-BASED PRODUCTS!

Mad scientist writes break-up letter to wearable device. This is not the dystopian future we all hoped for. There are so many better dystopian futures we could have had. Zombies, death robots, alien invasion... anything would be better than mad scientist writing a break-up letter to a wearable device. Ugh, the worst.

Dear Apple Watch,

Dude, never go full break-up letter.

I had such high hopes, too… you were so pretty in that simple, sleek, little white box.

But it’s just not working out.

“I thought I was in Tinder but I was actually in the Apple Store app. It happens.”

No, it really doesn’t.

I really tried to keep an open mind but you just haven’t been the epitome of technological perfection that I had hoped and dreamed of.

At least you had reasonable expectations.

“You weren’t perfect.” Nothing weird or creepy about that in a faux break-up letter. Nnnope.

Plus, I can’t even take you swimming. I mean, I don’t actually like swimming, but if I wanted to, I couldn’t bring you and you couldn’t track it.

Is there an adult at Business Insider we could talk to?

The Apple Watch is, of course, not advertised to work for swimming. So, you never had an expectation that would work—you’re just being a jerk.

That is a limit on my life and bugs the hell out of me.

It must be crushing to get a device you know won’t do a thing and then you find out that it does, in fact, not do that thing. Hopefully now that you’ve written an overblown, foppish “break-up” piece to a device, the healing can begin.

...a daily charge is kind of crazy.

Sure, it’s not like there’s anything else in our lives we have to charge daily.

Let’s just jump to the psycho finale to this. After devoting almost 1,000 words to detail how the Watch has let him down by not being perfect, Oliveira says:

Wishing you the best...

It’s pretty obvious you’re not. What you’re really doing is writing an attention-getter for your startup that’s trying to turn carrots into eggs.

There’s something the Macalope never thought he’d write.

Look, here’s the thing: This format is gross. Knock it off.

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