Express yourself: But why does it always have to be about Apple?

Macalope

Before reading today's column, be forewarned that the Apple atrocity outlined is not for the faint of heart. Children, pregnant women, meninists and others with a delicate nature should leave the room while this is read.

"apple’s most personal device forces us all to speak the same" (no link, but tip o' the antlers to Elevated Equines)

No, the Macalope's shift key is not broken, that's the point of The Verge's Sam Byford in this piece which is subtitled:

siri, please let me dictate in lowercase

Siri, you horrible fascist, please stop stomping on my creativity with your jack-boots of oppression. That's his thesis. You know, done up as the Macalope likes to express his creativity.

when i write for the verge, i don’t write like this.

Uh, except for right now.

The pull quotes on this piece is, of course, hilarious since The Verge's all-caps style for pull quotes forces them to:

I’VE TYPED IN LOWERCASE EVER SINCE I FIRST GOT INTERNET ACCESS

OK, BRO. GOOD CONVO.

Where are all the table flips over that? Nowhere to be found. Clearly things are only a problem when Apple does them.

i hate using siri to reply to messages. it listens to what i say and, if it hears me accurately, converts my thoughts into flat, expressionless, standardised prose with imperfect punctuation.

That's it. We've hit the bottom of the barrel on Apple complaints. Shut it down. Shut it all down.

OK, the Macalope is sure we have not. Somehow, someway, someone will find something more petty than this to complain about. To you or the Macalope it seems impossible to fathom, but the horny one assures you that somewhere out there someone is struggling to think of the most pettiest possible complaint -- one that is probably applicable to many tech vendors -- that they can make all about Apple.

i don’t type short messages in lowercase because i’m lazy or don’t know how to capitalise — i type short messages in lowercase because it’s the best way to render how i imagine my thoughts would come across.

Hey, the Macalope gets that. Personally, he wants everyone to read his texts as Vincent D'Onofrio's Wilson Fisk.

"I'm... SORRY... Vanessa... that you COULDN'T understand... my TEXT. I'm... not very GOOD... with EMOJI. Anyway, do you... WANT to see San Andreas tonight? That's what the... EYEBALL and little ROCK EMOJI were... supposed to mean. I find Dwayne Johnson very... ENTERTAINING."

i like lending writing with accurate spelling and grammar a casual veneer by decapitating the caps.

Writing: "Oh. Heyyy... thaaanks? I didn't... I didn't get you anything." [Writing quietly returns the gift for in-store credit which it never uses.]

plus, well, i just think it looks better.

Well, as someone pulling quotes out of this pieces to make fun of, the Macalope can tell you it's harder to read. In this instance maybe that's a feature and not a bug for you, but in general your whimsical approach to writing is a pain in the ass.

i’ve typed in lowercase ever since i first got internet access and started talking about radiohead on audiogalaxy boards fifteen years ago.

Who had "Radiohead fan" in the pool? Everyone? OK, never mind.

Apple spends millions of dollars on Siri trying to get her to correctly parse the spoken word into the written word and Edgy Von Edgecase is sad because it's not in his particular personal style.

Some people like to dot their i's with a heart. The Macalope's brother used to write in all caps. How many of these oddball cases is Apple supposed to support? It's a good thing no one else makes any transcription software that doesn't include any of them, so at least we know who to blame.

it’s important to be able to express yourself in writing...

True! And when they outlaw jumping up and down on the diving board while yelling "MOM! LOOK AT ME, MOM! MOM! MOM! MOMMMMMMMMMM!" only outlaws will be able to jump up and down on the diving board while yelling "MOM! LOOK AT ME, MOM! MOM! MOM! MOMMMMMMMMMM!"

writers like e e cummings, cormac mccarthy, and film crit hulk have made style a part of their work, subverting standard english to help convey a mood or message.

It's a horrible crime that they can't convey their personal style through their smartwatch's digital transcription capability. Well, except for cummings who's been dead for more than 50 years. But surely none of the characters in the average Cormac McCarthy book can hold a candle to this kind of suffering.

Somehow, while standard transcription has been available for years, it's only worth devoting an editorial to when Apple ships a new device. Very odd. Forget the fact that we're told every day how more people in the world use Android. No, the real problem is a smartwatch owned by a few million people because it has an Apple logo on it. Apple does, of course, allow you to say "no caps" before a transcription to indicate you want it all in lower case, but would e e cummings stand for such a half measure when transcribing his writing to his smartwatch while he was in prison during World War I? Certainly not.

We all have little quirks that are sometimes hard to express because of society's conventions. Sometimes you soldier on. Sometimes you say, hey, you know, it'd be nice if this were an option. If you're really incensed, though, and need to write an 800-word thought piece on it, you should probably make it about more than just Apple.

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