Problem time: Things are only an issue when Apple gets involved

Macalope

As was widely expected, Apple announced a[nother] streaming music service yesterday. So, in the tradition of great Marvel team additions we say "Welcome, Apple Music, we hope you survive the experience."

Also, we must point out that Apple is the worst thing ever and is destroying our digital freedoms.

"Apple Music and the terrible return of DRM" (tip o' the antlers to @papanic)

What's Nilay Patel of The Verge's beef? It's that streaming music services are controlled by digital rights management systems, don't have an open standard for playlists and apparently this is all brand new and only coming on Apple Music haha no, actually, the first paragraph is all about Patel's Amazon Echo. But no one owns an Echo so like you could put that in the headlines, as if.

We've completely traded convenience for ecosystem lock-in, and it sucks.

[Quietly trades convenience for ecosystem lock-in for years]

[Apple announces service]

RARRRRRODIFJDSDJD:LKDJFKLJ!!!

Look, the Macalope has been having this argument with people for a long time. He's always personally preferred to own his music instead of renting it because he doesn't trust people and fluoridation in our drinking water lets the government read your brain waves while you sleep. But did you people listen to him? Noooooooooooo. You all wanted streaming music services because ZOMG so much music! And such fixed prices that you pay automatically every month! So convenient!

So this is the house you built. This is what you wanted. As with everything in recorded history since the Peloponnesian War, it's only a problem when Apple does it.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

APPLE STREAMING MUSIC!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

N-UGH, NOT LIKE THAT! WE WANTED ALL THE SONGS WITHOUT DRM AND WE WANT AN OPEN STANDARD FOR PLAYLISTS AND ALSO IT SHOULD BE FREE AND WHO THE HECK IS THE WEEKND? DOWN WITH STREAMING MUSIC!

But next week Apple is probably going to launch another streaming service, and if history is any guide, it's only going to work with Apple products.

Wrong. OK, it wasn't really that bad a guess, but the reason people write these pieces before something gets announced is so they can flip as many tables as possible by making assumptions that fit their argument. Now it turns out that Apple's service will be available on other platforms.

The Macalope has always been against DRM, but even he can see that streaming an entire catalog of music without DRM is suicide. You can buy it without DRM or you can stream it. If you're choosing to use streaming, well, that's your choice.

One thing is patently clear, however, we must now rail against this problem because it looks like Apple may finally have a viable streaming service and that's when we start complaining about things.

At the same time, however, according to Bloomberg, Apple Music is DOOOOOMED.

"Why Apple's Late Push Into Streaming Music Won't Be That Easy" (tip o' the antlers to @JonyIveParody)

The stitched-together Spotify rival...

It's mostly gum and duct tape with a little coding in between. And some hot glue and sparkles and a lot of hopes and dreams.

So, to be clear about what's happening here, Apple is late to the game and may not even be able to make it because it faces such tough competition... and they're ruining everything that we know and love. In other words, it's Tuesday.

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