Striking twice: Yet another breakup note to the Apple Watch

Macalope

Ohhh, yay, another breakup letter to the Apple Watch. It’s about time the New York Times got into the overused construction business. It’s been almost a month since our last breakup note to the Apple Watch so the Macalope was starting to get withdrawal shakes.

”Why I’m Breaking Up With the Apple Watch” (tip o’ the antlers to Paul Corneau)

It’s not like this genre has already been established as kind of creepy and definitely hackneyed. Nope. Fire away, Vanessa Friedman.

I wanted it to work. I wanted to fall in love, like so many of my friends.

[Apple Watch using Vincent D’Onofrio’s Wilson Fisk voice] VANESSA, I’m... SORRY this didn’t work out. I... wanted our time together to be... SPECIAL. If you could just... complete this SURVEY of your reaction...

“It takes a while,” they said. “Don’t expect a coup de foudre. Let it build over time.”

Really? No, no, no, you should always expect a coup de foudre. That’s just bad advice. If you don’t expect the coup, don’t complain when you get the foudre. That’s what the Macalope’s mother always said. And then she’d shuffle her hooves across the rug and give each of us kids a static shock.

“Coup de foudre!” she’d yell. And we’d say “Yeah, yeah, mom. Coup de foudre,” and rub the sore spots on our arms.

Still, as painful a lesson as that was, the Macalope has never been struck by lightning so you can’t argue with results.

Also, mom drank a lot.

Now, the Macalope hates to have to be the one to point this out, but apparently the Times editors have some kind of collective amnesia and their search engine is on the fritz because they somehow missed the fact that they already did this review.

Here’s the Times’ Jody Rosen in early May:

I’m not quite the target audience for the new Apple Watch.

Here’s Friedman in early June:

When I told a colleague about the breakup, he observed that perhaps I wasn’t the target for the Apple Watch.

So, the Times has now published two reviews in as many months from people who seem ill-fitted to review the Apple Watch and yet somehow were assigned to do just that. The Macalope looks forward to July’s review by an Amish pastor.

“Ye English canna get me to wear it. ‘Tis the work of the Devil. ‘Tis why I am breaking up with yon Apple Watch. I shall rely on the tried-and-true rooster to get me to Jacob’s barn raising on time, thank ye kindly.”

He really did want it to work. You know, other than it being against his entire life view. Pity.

Much like next month’s reviewer, Friedman has her own proscriptions. Hers are against wearing any identifiable brand. “You hate wearing brands? Here, review this iconic smart wearable for us.” Are the Times’ writers and editors in some kind of competition to see who can get the pointier response from the horny one?

But a month and a half after we first got together, I have decided it is time to—well, call time.

The watch puns just write themselves! As do the break up letter similes! And when you take an “I just don’t get it” attitude that absolves you of trying to figure anything out, the entire piece pretty much writes itself.

All the focus on San Francisco and Apple’s next big innovation this week (streaming!) made me realize it was not playing my tune.

(Streaming!)

(?)

No, there’s no way this shouldn’t have worked. None. Because it’s not like there’s “not being a techie” and “being actively hostile or dismissive of certain aspects of technology.” There is only the former and it is a badge of honor.

Because no matter how attractive the Apple Watch is in the context of other smartwatches or smartbands, no matter how much of an aesthetic advance its rounded corners and rectangular display, it still looks like a gadget. Especially on someone, like me, with relatively small wrists.

So. You’re not so much against the Apple Watch as you are against smartwatches. All smartwatches. And, yet, somehow this only comes out when Apple ships one.

Not only does its face effectively span the width of my forearm, but the cool little screen saver that so many reviewers have lauded...

The thing that’s not at all a screen saver, right, please go on.

...is also functionally sleeping most of the time.

Every time I see it, I want to shriek, “Beam me up, Scotty.”

Because I am prone to non sequiturs.

Call me a Luddite...

Can we replace you with machinery like the Luddites were? Is that an option that’s on the table? You seem to have a lot of friends who speak French, so maybe the comparison is apt.

...but honestly, I don’t mind unlocking things with my actual hands.

YOU WILL BE SWEPT AWAY IN THE NEW HANDLESS WORLD ORDER.

The new watches announced this week may change the situation, but I am not sure I have the patience to wait.

There were new watches announced this week? Did the Macalope miss the streaming?

Yeah, OK, the Apple Watch isn’t exactly for everyone. It’s great that the nation’s largest newspaper is on the “Apple Watch isn’t for everyone” beat and keeping us updated monthly on its not-for-everyone-ness.

A lot of people do actually like the Watch but it's nice the Times is keeping us from getting couped by their foudre.

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