The replacements: Apple is not a game of fantasy baseball

Your personal picks to replace Tim Cook don't matter.


Serial clown car driver, occupant and repair man Peter Cohan is back at the Forbes “contributor” network asking the tough questions about Apple. (The Macalope always puts “contributor” in quotes because it’s really unclear what it is they’re supposedly contributing.) Wait, did the Macalope say “tough”? He meant crazy. He gets those confused sometimes because some of these questions are so crazy they’re tough to type out with your fingers. The body resists.

“Should Apple Replace Tim Cook With Reed Hastings?” (no link, not even an indirect one, but tip o’ the antlers to Neil Weinstock)

Should Forbes replace its “contributor” network with a pack of angry howler monkeys? It’d be cheaper and no one would notice the difference.

Cohan has been calling for Tim Cook’s ouster for three years, so this isn’t exactly new territory. Reed Hastings, as you may or may not know, is the CEO of Netflix. And, as you also may or may not know, Apple needs to replace Tim Cook desperately because Apple’s spinning into irrelevancy, going out of business, ceding innovation to Samsung, who knows? Some imagined reason du jour that guys like Cohan dream up to fill an empty text editor window and keep the demons in their heads from screaming so loudly, WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS SCREAMING?

If there’s one thing that jumps out about Apple’s Worldwide Developers Conference...

It’s know-nothing, gelatinous cubes in human guise like Cohan who somehow think they could run Apple’s business better. Apple may be the biggest, most successful company ever but Cohan teaches a class in “business strategy and entrepreneurship” at a snooty New England business school and he owns many suits. is that Apple failed to announce a streaming TV service.

Oh, that. That unicorn that everyone wants Apple to make except the companies that own the unicorn horn, meat, hooves, and tail.

Come on, Apple, what’s the holdup? Slap that unicorn together.

Since Cook became CEO, Apple has failed to innovate...

Mac Pro. Apple Watch. Apple Pay. HomeKit. iOS 7 and 8. Swift. MacBook. None of these exist.

...while Hastings has demonstrated the unusual ability to rethink Netflix’s entire business model and add the new capabilities required to execute the change.

The Macalope cannot even imagine how steep the grading curve is in the class that Cohan supposedly teaches.

That is the kind of leadership that Apple needs now. And if Hastings became CEO, Cook could do what he does best—making the trains run on time.


(Why does it always have to be a white courtesy phone?)

Apple should consider creating its own content as well instead of negotiating with others.

2017: Apple makes its own content. Peter Cohan: “APPLE UNFOCUSED.”

...Hastings could help because he has clearly pulled off the kind of corporate reinvention with Netflix that Apple needs now.

“Apple needs to be reinvented because... uh...

“You know what’s really good? Ring Dings. Ring Dings are good.”

Sure it would be hard to persuade Hastings to take the Apple job and to convince Cook to step aside.

“You know who’d make a great CEO of Apple? My cousin Larry. Larry’s a great guy. The hard part would be getting Tim Cook to step aside for him. Guy’s so unreasonable. Larry’s clearly the better choice.”

Does the “contributor” in “contributor network” mean they’re writing this stuff for free? Because even at that price it’s not worth it.

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