Crushing it: The Apple Music double standard

Macalope

It’s time to set the standard on Apple Music!

[turns to the camera, lowers sunglasses]

The double standard.

Gizmodo’s Mario Aguilar has the script.

“Apple Music's a Crushing Disappointment, But Not Because It’s Bad” (tip o’ the antlers to @Metascover)

True story: If you look up “the absurd hyperbolic state of modern tech headline writing” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of that headline.

What happened?

Well, first there was a huge explosion. Then, over a period of billions of years, the universe cooled. Finally it got so cold and dead that Gizmodo published this piece. The End.

By all accounts, Apple Music is a totally serviceable streaming music service.

Which would be fine or possibly even “Apple-killing” if it came from anyone else, but it came from Apple so we must ask ourselves, where are the hovercars and cold fusion-powered capybaras we had retroactively promised ourselves Apple would deliver?

But it’s 2015.

CONFIRMED.

Give me more than the same old service everybody’s been offering for years.

Does anyone else do an honest-to-God radio show? One that you yourself admit you like? That’s a pretty neat trick.

Some of Apple Music provokes genuine joy in me, but if we’re going to be totally honest with ourselves, it’s pretty boring.

Because not all of it provokes “genuine joy”. Only some of it.

Welp. OK, dude.

Why am I holding Apple to this standard?

Because Apple, that’s why!

I don’t expect revolutionary things from Spotify.

Let me explain my process for developing my hand-crafted, artisanal double standards. I start with only the finest rationalizations…

But with the iPod and iTunes, Apple illustrated that it could legitimately change how business was done in the prehistoric music industry.

DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN LEST I BE LEFT UN-ENTERTAINED. DANCE FOR ME, MONKEY, I GROW BORED WITH YOUR GLORIOUSLY WROUGHT HARDWARE AND SUPERIOR USER EXPERIENCE.

Apple Music definitely has problems and is not above criticism. Right now, for instance, the Radio tab simply won’t load on the Macalope’s iPhone. What’s the horny one supposed to do? Listen to music he owns? Like an animal?

[Turns out the Macalope had to restart his iPhone to clear the problem That should not happen.]

Connect is currently kind of eh. Apple Music on the desktop is wrapped in the mess that is iTunes. There are a number of glitches. But the entire package is better than those offered by competing services and, more importantly for its success, it works out-of-the-box on every Apple device.

You want to talk about being in 2015? How about talking about the fact that while Pandora and Spotify are available on a host of platforms, both of their desktop computer listening solutions are for you to install Flash? iTunes is pretty bad, but at least it’s not a security risk that makes your laptop hot enough to make kale chips on.

When you grade Apple on a scale that’s different than everyone else, you’re not doing anyone any favors. Because if that Apple doom everyone keeps talking about does finally show up, where will we be then? Stuck with a bunch of underachievers, that's where.

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